This is an only-slightly-edited transcript of a Marco Polo I sent to a friend. She had asked me several times how I was doing and when I repeatedly failed to really give a response - only responding with other things we needed to discuss - she sent me a message asking me how I was truly doing and genuinely requesting a response. This response, while a little messy, sums up so perfectly how I am feeling right now and the beauty and complexity of faith and grief.
(Pic from several years ago. I am so grateful for this woman.)
Sent to Ali Middleton on April 9, 2024 at 6:15 p.m.
I am really, really happy - but I am also struggling with a whole load of things. Now, sometimes I have been struggling and have been internally upset as I am working through difficult emotions. However, right now I feel so happy even though I am struggling. Things are going so well, almost the best they've ever been (overly dramatic). Everything is going so well with my kids,with homeschool, and with David. My inner peace has been feeling so good lately.
And at the same time, I am sad ALL the time. Not sad like depression sad; sometimes things feel sad and they feel really dark, but things don't feel dark right now. Things feel beautifully bright and wonderful... and also my emotions are really close to the surface. If someone asks "How are you doing?", I will immediately burst into tears. I can't even tell you how many times I have burst into tears in the most random of situations - not even friends who are like "really tell me how you're doing?" but friends who are just like "Hey, how is it going?" and then I BURST into tears, just full-on crying. My emotions are just really, really close to the surface in a way that feels almost a little out of control.
I was at a Relief Society General Broadcast at my Relief Society Presidents house with a group of relief society sisters and the whole thing was really great. The testimonies were beautiful, the environment was so sweet. And then all the sudden it hit me - not just a little "I'm feeling the spirit and I'm feeling emotional" (which I WAS! I was feeling the spirit and was feeling emotional. I wasn't sad and I wasn't upset) but a huge wave of emotion. I was having a hard time controlling my emotions and I was sobbing. I had to leave to go into the bathroom and just cry in the bathroom and then I made a hasty exit like "peace out - I got to go" and then I sobbed the entire time I walked home, like wracking sobs - just so so so so sad. Not because anything was said that was sad, just because... I don't know.
I have lost many grandparents and have always been sad and there have been times that I have cried a lot with the loss of a grandparent. But losing a parent has just been so sad. Not in a bitter way or a faith-crisis way, I feel the spirit so strong: such peace and faith and joy in the plan of salvation and gratitude for the wonderful mother Sue was to David and to me. Everything about it is happy. It is just that the grief of her not being here is so strong.
I feel like it has been harder than expected. I always have a thousand balls that I'm juggling all the time and it's been harder to juggle those balls but in some ways it feels kind of healthier too. I'm letting go of a lot of things, I'm prioritizing the things that matter. So even though dropping the balls feels frustrating, it's also been good to slow down a little.
The question "How are you doing?" is just so multi-faceted, because I'm doing great. And also I'm very sad... in a... longer way. I don't even know if that makes any sense. Just, I am very sad. This piece of me is very sad and just probably will be for a really long time, which is how it should be.
But I am feeling better than I was even a couple of weeks ago.
The sunshine is out and I have really tried to just let myself feel the feelings. Feel the grief and feel the sorrow and feel the peace and feel the joy and feel the gratitude - feel it all. I have tried to be present in that and I feel like that has been really good for me to acknowledge it and let it take its time.
It sounds silly to say "It's taken me longer to get over it than I thought it would", because you never get over it. But I have been surprised at how far reaching the effects of the grief have been. I haven't been able to be as present in other things, Like did you know that I had flowers to bring to you for your surgery and then never brought them to you and then they died! And that was sad because they got to the point where I was like "I cannot bring these flowers to anyone because they're so wilted." I've just been dropping a lot of things and haven't been there for people that I wish I could be there for. So the sitting in the grief and the feelings has consequences - but like I said, the sun is coming and I am feeling like the weight of the grief has eased a lot. The sadness is still there but it doesn't feel as heavy.
I feel like it has helped me put some things in perspective about where I am spending my time and what I want to spend my time doing and being and I am looking forward to the next year thinking about what things I can let go of and what things I need to prioritize a little bit better.
The dropping of the balls, that's kind of helped. I've had some clarity with that and I feel like that's been good. I feel so grateful for so many things and have felt so much goodness in my life right now. I'm so happy and so sad and it's all happening at the same time and that's a lot of emotion. But there is healing there, too.
