insta-july

Instagram has been kind of a heavy place lately. Not that it's all a bad thing- some thing have to be heavy in order for them to be addressed and some things need to be addressed before they get better. (Now, some things are just heavy because people are ignorant and combative and that's hard, too.) 

I feel like my Instagram this month swung from heavy to light with dizzying speed - but that's what Instagram is. I say right on my feed:

Wife. Mama. Disciple. Homeschooler. Builder.

These squares: happy, heavy, determined, humble, simple, joyful.

This feed is all of those things. 

7.4.20

I shared my heart in my stories today about everything going on in our country right now. I did it more for me than for anyone else. I want this collection of squares on the internet to be a place where I can share all the pieces of my heart, the heavy, the determined, the humble, the simple, the joyful. I've been stuck waiting for the right words, but they aren't there. So I will share these: I am a builder. I will build my home, my community, my country to be the place that my hope and faith tells me it can be. I will humbly listen, pray with faith, and go forth with effort and truth. I will share light, I will teach love, I will make mistakes but I will not give up. I will build bridges and I will build fortifications. I will build a sanctuary of faith in my heart and home. I will work to build peace outside of my home. I love America and will work to build it, too. It's the Fourth of July today and my heart is solemn with gratitude for those (of all backgrounds) who have worked to make our country what it is, and pledge to do my part to continue to build on their legacy with love and faith.

📷: @kelsieraephoto

7.6.20

Ain't gonna to let a little bit of sun stop our summer fun. 👒🕶️👖After Lucy getting a sunburn after only 15 minutes outside this spring, I learned my #albinism lesson and we always make sure she has sunscreen, a UV suit, and a hat whenever she goes outside. She's also learning to tolerate her sunglasses because her eyes are clearly more comfortable with them on. Also, swipe ➡️ to see a picture of a doll named Mrs. Beasely from an old TV show, Family Affair, that hilariously looks just like Lucy in her sun-suit. ☀️

7.9.20

Tonight, the following disagreement happened between Lydia and Austin (while they were supposed to be falling asleep in their beds):

Lydia had opted to sleep in a large box that she had constructed for the sole purpose of trying to sleep in. She had carefully taken two smaller boxes, cut the edges, and meticulously taped the edges together to create one large box. She mentioned to Austin that she was proud of her box.

Austin, quick to correct her misuse of words, told her that it was not A box - but rather, it was TWO boxes. Lydia, hurt by the lack of care or understanding of the effort it took to make it into one box stubbornly insisted that it was ONE box.

Commence argument.

Enter Mom to the scene.

Mom: Go to bed, please stop talking to each other.

Austin: Mom, I just need to say two more sentences to Lydia. "Lydia, that is not one box, that is two boxes that have been taped together." whispers to mom: We are having a disagreement.

Lydia, indignantly: "Austin- it is not TWO boxes. It is ONE box."

Mom exits the scene after instructing each child individually to STOP talking to the other about the box.

After a few minutes of begrudging silence, talking was again heard from the room. It was more arguing about the box.

Dad, unaware of the ongoing argument enters the scene.

Lydia: "Austin is making me feel bad because he thinks that it is two little boxes instead of one big box. It is one big box and it makes me feel bad that he does not think it is.

David tucks Lydia in, then stands to talk to Austin about the box.

Austin's simple reply: "I can't let Lydia say things that are not right."

---

David and I had a great conversation about the parallels between this and our society today. And we learned that listening to another's perspective may not make you change your own opinion- but it probably would help you feel better to know where they are coming from.

7.10.20

Who doesn't need another picture of Baby Lucy in their Instagram feed today? You are welcome.

7.12.20

Church at home learning about the Rameumptum, win ✅. Me at dinner where two of my kids ate their jello then disappeared to "the bathroom", one never came to the table because she doesn't like Lasagna, and their dad finally left to go find them and make them come back to eat, fail ❎. (But at least Lucy liked the Lasagna!).

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Church at home. With kids so small, sometimes I feel that it is... lacking. But today I had the chance to listen to our Stake President bear testimony about how these small church at home situations have the ability to be Powerful Personal Spiritual Experiences. It is so neat to think about this tiny pocket of light in my home, in our Sabbath day, being able to make a big difference. So tonight I'm thinking about that instead of how dinner was a flop. 😂😍😂

insta-david

{7.27.20}

A little hard to see, but this is a giant crack in our basement window. There are two ways to look at the last 10 days for us.

1) We came in contact with someone who later tested positive for Covid-19 and had to qurantine and could not leave our house. Then our air conditioner broke and we can't have anyone come fix it until our qurantine ends and it is so hot. Plus it will be expensive to fix. If things were not bad already, one of this kids broke the window in the basement. It has been a lousy couple of weeks. Oh and our fish died.

2) We got to see a good friend recently and it was wonderful. She got sick with covid-19 soon after we saw her, fortunately she is doing better now. Shantel got tested as well and it came back negative! Everyone is healthy and doing great and we just finished our precautionary qurantine. We have been so blessed to have friends and family willing to grab us a few needed items (and a few bonus treats we did not expect) at the store. Our air conditioner went out this week as well. I'm so grateful our basement is finished because it gave me a cooler place to work this week with no AC. We had kind friends loan us some fans to help. Our good friends daughter had an accident at home and was knocked unconscious. We are so grateful because she is okay, even though it could have been much worse. Finally, Big Blue passed away this morning. We loved that little fish and will miss her.

I have learned: Don't curse the Lord for your blessings, and look for the blessings you DO have, not just the ones you want. These are minor things, but with the right attitude, you can count your blessings. For those facing challenges much more significant than a broken window: Keep praying, keep believing, the Lord will not forsake you. The Savior is there with you and you are loved and are not alone.

Fourth of July

I've been solemnly watching the world around me over the past couple of weeks leading up to this, usually celebratory holiday. Protests over racism, tearing down of statues of any person with mistakes attached to their past, heated arguments between good people about the "right" way to proceed. Labeling of others as "idiots", "ignorant", "feeding a narrative". It's just heavy. I'm glimpsing the truth of the words of the Savior "my yoke is easy and my burden is light" because the burden of the world right now is so heavy that the only way to endure is to yoke myself to the Lord.

My friend shared these words and they resonated with me as

"It's a lot right now. It's heavy. It's hard for many to feel patriotic, either because they don't believe our country has ever been something to be proud of, or because they are mourning what it has become as people become more divisive. Either way, there is mourning now. We have work to do. it has become clear to me many times that my role in that work is to share hope and light. To magnify the good and strive to be the good. Do you know your role? We all have one, whether it's warrior, theater, or other. Let's continue to work in faith that we can and will create a world wherein all of His children can be one. Not "the same," but one in heart, mourning with those that mourn, Comforting those that stand in need of comfort. We can't wait around for God to make that happen. We need to BUILD this world, and it starts by building it in our own hearts. I'm working on my heart. I stumble every day (somethings hour) but I'm working. How are you working on yours? Happy Independence Day Weekend for those celebrating, those feeling quiet reverence or somberness, and those who cannot celebrate. I see you and I love you." -McKenna Gordon @happyathomeschool

These words allowed me to finally put in words some of the feelings that I have been having lately and I want to share them here:

I've been silent on Social Media for a couple of weeks as I've been trying to find my best words, to know what Heavenly Father wants me to do to push His work along, and to make this place a place of love and peace for all his Children.      - - -    It's been a heavy month.     

I want to be able to post about my baby's first birthday and eating popsicles on the grass without feeling like I'm ignoring a significant issue in society. I feel like I have to make this post before I can do that, then hopefully I will be able to find a good balance. 

I believe that Satan frequently presents his lies in pairs, in extremes. The grand plan is to make you feel that if you are against one, then you have to choose the other. And then you have to defend your choice at all costs "lest evil win".

But the path of Christ falls in the tricky-to-navigate path in the middle. It takes faith, it takes hope, it takes a willingness to be humble, to listen to both sides, to pray, to stand for truth and righteousness while still using the goodness of God to change within and reach out with love.

This is a place where we stand and say "We will not allow racism to take place in our hearts and in our society. We will work to be anti-racist in our homes and communities. We recognize that there is hurtand there ARE problems and we use the grace of God to navigate those issues and do the work to better the society we are in."

We listen to others and we do not tell them that their experiences aren't real because they don't match our own life experiences. We repent, we diversify the books and voices we listen to, we find those of different backgrounds who love the Lord and we link arms with them in Faith. We mourn with those that mourn. 

We educate ourselves by listening to real stories of real people (both who think similarly and those who think differently), we do not use their stories to "prove our point" but we use them to understand the world that we live in.

We also stand. 

I believe that policies will not fix the hearts of the people. Only people can do that. There is a slippery slope to asking policy (and government) to enforce what only hearts have the power to change. Governmental change for positive change is good. Extreme policy without extensive and careful consideration is dangerous and will have extreme and damaging unintended consequences for all parties.

We do not allow those with a flawed past, but who tried to do right in the sphere that they had to be criminalized and the good they did erased. "We should judge our historic figures by whether or not, on the whole they were bending the arc of history toward a more perfect union."

We need to understand our history, teach the complexity of humanness, and recognize the hand of the Lord in the lives of those that came before us.

We take our past and we BUILD our future.

Today I celebrate America. I celebrate with solemnity and recognition of the work that can and should be done to create a future of goodness and light. I celebrate that we CAN build. That we can learn and change.

I will walk the middle path, the path of love and strength. I will stand for truth and righteousness against both extremes in all circumstances and help build a community - a country to be proud of.

"The Bible carried across the ocean by early colonists and settlers sparked not only the hope of freedom but the confidence that God could do wonders with flawed human beings. It has been noted from the Bible that Peter had a temper, Jonah ran from God, David had an affair, Paul was a persecutor, Noah got drunk, Miriam was a gossiper, Martha was a worrier, Matthew was a sinner, Thomas was a doubter, Moses stuttered, Zaccheus was short, Abraham was old, and Lazarus, of course, was dead. Each was flawed, each worthy of a monument. 

America is made from the many foundational principles etched in our history and engraven on our monuments by the founders and by those who have followed. Our heroines and heroes are representative of one of the most redeeming attributes of our nation — that America, at its core, is a redemption story. 

Over and over and over again, this nation has been renewed, restored and redeemed. That should provide us, individually and collectively, hope for better days ahead." 

-Boyd Matheson 

 I have a prayer in my heart for our country today. For each one of you, wherever you are Latin heart and mind, and for the Lord to lead us and help us navigate this path together.

A few other thoughts that I saw today that resonated with me: 
"Home of the Brave. Let's continue to be brave and stand for truth and what's right." - Fatima Dedrickson @stylefitfatty

"Fison Mwesige is celebrating Independence Day as one of America's newest citizens. His words below inspire a sense of patriotism and gratitude for the country he now calls home: 'The United States is known as a multicultural nation; no country on earth has such diversity. People of different faiths, religions come from every part of the world and become the citizens of this great country and call it their own. What a privilege!  I am so happy to become a US citizen, and it is an honor and great feeling I can't even express in words. God bless Mr. Boyer and his family for their great heart of helping refugee students become successful in this great country and living the American dream. I am grateful and so happy to be a citizen.' " @one_refugee

This is me sharing my heart about some of the things going on in our country right now. Honestly, I wrote these things more for me than for anyone else. 

I want this collection of squares (Instagram) on the internet as well as this blog/book to be a place where I can share all the pieces of my heart: the heavy, the determined, the humble, the simple, the joyful. I've been stuck waiting for the right words, but they aren't there. So I will share these:

 I am a builder. I will build my home, my community, my country to be the place that my hope and faith tells me it can be. I will humbly listen, pray with faith, and go forth with effort and truth. I will share light, I will teach love, I will make mistakes but I will not give up. I will build bridges and I will build fortifications. I will build a sanctuary of faith in my heart and home. I will work to build peace outside of my home. I love America and will work to build it, too. It's the Fourth of July today and my heart is solemn with gratitude for those (of all backgrounds) who have worked to make our country what it is, and pledge to do my part to continue to build on their legacy with love and faith.

Here are a few pictures from our 4th of July night. Watching fireworks with Lydia and Austin and reflecting on many of the things above. 

I'm also adding in these two screenshots from @OhHappyDani. I love that they speak to my desire to use my influence within my sphere of influence and what that might look like. 

insta-june

Instagram was a heavy place this month with a lot of emotionally-charged topics and a lot of learning and unlearning, especially about issues concerning race in America.

These were the only two posts that I wrote - because it felt like too much to be posting silly little moments when so much heaviness was happening in the world. But I want it to be noted, that David and I want a future for our children, and all children in this country, that is filled with hope and unity. We are doing our best in our home, and outside of it, to be a part of the change that makes that happen. America is a wonderful place to live. She has her faults, but in her heart- she wants to live up to the lofty ideals that she represents.

 
{5.29.30}
These are my boys. Austin and Caleb, 2.5 years apart, also 2.5 lbs apart. I worry about them sometimes: Am I a good enough mom for them? Will I be able to teach them to be valiant, brave, and kind? Will kids make fun of Austin's speech delay? Will Caleb have enough attention as a third child? Will they be able to have every opportunity in the wonderful life I imagine for them? ... Do you know what I don't worry about? I have never once worried that someone will arrest and then murder them in the street simply because of the color of their skin. ... My heart hurts today. It hurts for all of the days that any mother wakes up with this fear (or any like it in her heart). I wish I could do SOMETHING. I wish this was Rosa Parks and I could decide to boycott the Montgomery Bus system and walk instead of ride for a whole year to show SOMEONE how I feel. To force SOME change, ANY change. Honestly, I feel like rioting just so that SOMEONE will notice. How can this even be happening in this country that I love so much? And that's the end of my post. No pretty moral at the end of the story or oversimplified determination to just do better myself. It's just raw sadness. Sorrow for my friends. Grief for my brothers and sisters who have slightly more melanin than I have.




{6.1.20}
When Lucy was first diagnosed with Albinism, I was trying to find a Facebook support group for parents. I am notoriously bad at internet searches and knowing how to find what I'm actually looking for, and I ended up stumbling across a Facebook group devoted to speaking out against violent/hate crimes against people with Albinism. In a "can't look away" daze, I scrolled through article after article of horrible reports. David made me stop and promise to never look at that page again, but my heart cried out "Is this something I need to worry about?? Is someone going to try to hurt my baby girl because she was born with a different genetic sequence?".
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You guys. I'm not actually worried about Lucy. We have enough power and privilege to make sure she's safe and will live a wonderful life. But there needs to be change in our hearts, our lives, our society to make that true for others who don't really have the power to make that true for themselves. We need to take a step back and LISTEN, then move forward together. I have been worried but have also been feeling peace and hope for the future. Things can change if we go to our knees to pray, then move forward with purpose. I am putting together an action plan for myself and will be sharing that along with many other resources and posts that I find valuable and helpful in helping us listen, learn, and then take action.
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My friends, I ask you to take some time to LISTEN. Take a step back from the uncomfortable feeling of protests and defensiveness of your own skin color. Listen to the stories without passing judgment. Listen with compassion and with a prayer to know how God wants to use you to fulfill his work in this situation. We have the ability to speak and have someone listen to us, and we have been asked to use our voices for good. We can make a difference.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

{below is a post I made on my Instagram stories at the beginning of July. Typing it up again here has made me again determined to walk the middle path. To listen, to stand, to BUILD. }

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I've been silent on Social Media for a couple of weeks as I've been trying to find my best words, to know what Heavenly Father wants me to do to push His work along, and to make this place a place of love and peace for all of His children. 

It's been a heavy month. 

But I want to share some thoughts. I want to be able to post on Instagram about my baby's first birthday and eating popsicles on the grass without feeling like I'm ignoring a significant issue in society. I feel like I have to make this post before I can do that, then hopefully I will be able to find a good balance. 

-

I believe that Satan frequently presents his lies in pairs, in extremes. The grand plan is to make you feel that if you are against one, then you have to choose the other. And then you have to defend your choice at all costs "lest evil win". 

But the path of Christ falls in the tricky-to-navigate path in the middle. It takes faith, it takes, hope, it takes a willingness to be humble, to listen to both sides, to pray, to stand for truth and righteousness while still using the goodness of God to change within and reach out with love. 

This is a place where we stand and say "We will not allow racism to take place in our hearts and in our society. We will work to be anti-racist in our homes and communities. We recognize that there is hurt and there ARE problems and we use the grace of God to navigate those issues and do the work to better the society we are in." 

We listen to others and we do not tell them that their experiences aren't real because they don't match our own life experience. 

We repent, we diversify the books and voices we listen to, we find those of different backgrounds who love the Lord and we link arms with them in Faith. 

We mourn with those that mourn. 

We educate ourselves by listening to real stories of real people (both who think similarly and those who think differently), we do not use their stories to "prove our point" but we use them to understand the world that we live in. 

We also stand. 

I believe that policies will not fix the hearts of the people. Only people can do that. There is a slippery slope to asking policy (and government) to enforce what only hearts have the power to change. 

Governmental change for positive change is good. Extreme policy without extensive and careful consideration is dangerous and will have extreme and damaging unintended consequences for all parties. 

-

We do not allow those with a flawed past, but who tried to do right in the sphere that they had, to be criminalized, and the good they did erased. 

"We should judge our historic figures by whether or not, on the whole, they were bending the arc of history toward a more perfect union." 

We need to understand our history, teach the complexity of humanness, and recognize the hand of the Lord in the lives of those that came before us. 

-

We take our past and we BUILD our future. 

Today I celebrate America. I celebrate with solemnity and recognition of the work that can and should be done to create a future of goodness and light. I celebrate that we CAN build. That we can learn and change. 

I will walk the middle path, the path of love and strength. I will stand for truth and righteousness against both extremes in all circumstances and help build a community - a country to be proud of. 

"The Bible carried across the ocean by early colonists and settlers sparked not only the hope of freedom but the confidence that God could do wonders with flawed human beings. It has been noted from the Bible that Peter had a temper, Jonah ran from God, David had an affair, Paul was a persecutor, Noah got drunk, Miriam was a gossiper, Martha was a worrier, Matthew was a sinner, Thomas was a doubter, Moses stuttered, Zaccheus was short, Abraham was old, and Lazarus, of course, was dead. Each was flawed, each worthy of a monument. 

America is made from the many foundational principles etched in our history and engraved on our monuments by the founders and by those who have followed. Our heroines and heroes are representative of one of the most redeeming attributes of our nation -- that America, at its core, is a redemption story. 

Over and over and over again, this nation has been renewed, restored, and redeemed. That should provide us, individually and collectively, hope for better days ahead." 

www.deseret.com/opinion/2020/7/1/21309953/the-monumental-mistake-of-banishing-americas-less-than-perfect-history

I have a prayer in my heart for our country. For each one of you, wherever you are at in heart and mind, and for the Lord to lead us and help us navigate this path together.