State FCCLA & thoughts

I was going to post these photos on Instagram, but then I could never find the right words, because the photos are pretty simple but I have SO many thoughts and feelings that this experience brought to mind. I'm not sure I'll even be able to get them all out here, but this is a better place for my wordiness. 

Every year my old co-teacher, Candace Wilson, from Westlake High School reaches out to me to see if I would be able to come and help judge at the state FCCLA competition. (Remember that I taught high school at Westlake before Lydia was born?) 

This is Candance and I in 2011 with our School's FCCLA chapter leadership. (I'm on the far right - looking JUST like one of the other students, ha. No wonder I would always get asked for my hall pass when I walked through the halls during class.) 

I've never been able to make it work before, but this year when she asked, I thought about it for a minute and then thought YES! My kids are at such a great stage right now and I'm feeling a huge shift in my ability to do things like this. Lucy is 2.5. I've never had a 2.5-year-old before without also having a tiny baby! Not only am I feeling more energy than I have for years, but it's just not as hard to ask someone to watch the kids for several hours because even Lucy is pretty independent. 

David and I were just talking about how we are basically 1/3 of the way through the raising of our children. (If you add up their ages it equals 24, which is 1/3 of 72. 18x4=72). It absolutely feels like we've just exited that first stage, the baby/toddler stage. While thinking about that too hard makes my heart twinge with sadness, I am also SO excited for this new stage that we are entering - the early childhood/pre-tween stage. I see so many fun things on the horizon and am loving interacting with my kids right now. This is empowering for us as a family because we are going to be able to DO so many things together! It's also empowering for me as a mother because I, individually, am able to do so many more things now that I'm not needed quite as intensely as before. 

This day is a great example of that. We drove up the night before and stayed at my mom and dad's house, then I woke up and drove to the Davis conference center. I only spent a couple of hours judging the "Job Interview" event, but I was able to step into an old valued role for a day and it was really rewarding. 

My kids, of course, had the best time with grandma and grandpa and it ended up being a really nice day for all of us. 

I have more thoughts about FCCLA from a homeschool perspective, but I'm not sure that I have the words to explain my feelings right now. The first is a slight sadness that my kids are on a different path than the kids I judged in my event. The second is a sincere relief that my kids are on a different path than the kids I judged in my event. The third is a determination to make sure that my kids still have the opportunities to help them learn, grow, and experience different things. The fourth is a decision to not worry about what my kids schooling will look like in high school because that's a long way away and we will make the best decisions for our family as we come to them. 

Primary - Baptisms {Thoughts}

There is a lot going on, but I wanted to take just a few minutes and write down a few thoughts about Primary. As a Stake Primary leader, one of our biggest responsibilities is to hold Stake Baptisms. Before we got called, way back in 2019 - they held large group baptisms where all of the wards in the stake gathered together then were released one by one to go back to the baptism font. Then, with Covid, they switched them to be half-hour time slots with each child meeting together individually. In May, we weren't even sure that Lydia would be able to be baptized, then we thought it would just be immediate family, then we learned that we could have 16 people there. It was a beautiful day, and each month following that has been a beautiful balance between having limited numbers (20 people) and having more focus be on the baptism ordinance itself. In November, with growing Covid numbers and the upcoming holidays we were asked to limit baptisms to immediate families only.

The twenty people limit was sometimes difficult, because families just want to celebrate this special day with all their family, but for the most part - families seemed to appreciate the opportunity to still hold their child's baptism and the days were filled with a sweet spirit and focus on the child and their baptisms. The immediate family only limit has been hard. It's been hard on the kids and hard on the families. 

I just wanted to share my testimony that I know that we have Heavenly Parents who care about the individual needs of each of their children. I also know that our God is a compassionate God who compensates and blesses us for the sacrifices we make to follow Him. I know that these primary children will be blessed for choosing to follow Jesus Christ and that the rest of their lives will be blessed for the decision to be baptized even amid sacrifice. It seems a powerful thing. 

I believe that we are always asked to sacrifice for the Lord, and I've seen it with baptisms over and over and over. Some people make the sacrifice to be baptized in the middle of a freezing river. Some people make the sacrifice to be baptized with 8 other children in succession and without much individualization to the services. Some people make the sacrifice to be baptized with family members only viewing through zoom on the computer because they are in the middle of a global pandemic. The Lord sees each sacrifice. He sees each individual giving up something that might be important to them, or doing something that is a little uncomfortable/hard, because they care about following Him more than they care about that thing. He sees that and he blesses them for it. 

I'm grateful to be able to be a part of these special  Covid-baptisms, although I'm praying for the day we will be able to increase our numbers back up to 20 (which feels like such a huge number now that we've done two sessions with immediate family only!). 

(I wasn't able to attend December baptisms because we were in Quarantine, but I went over to the church and set up the chairs and have just been thinking about it all day. I'm also grateful for counselors and great stake baptism specialists who took over the day without a problem and supported me in our family quarantine.) 

The Allegory of the Box

Tonight, the following disagreement happened between Lydia and Austin (while they were supposed to be falling asleep in their beds): 

Lydia had opted to sleep in a large box that she had constructed for the sole purpose of trying to sleep in. She had carefully taken two smaller boxes, cut the edges, and meticulously taped the edges together to create one large box. She mentioned to Austin that she was proud of her box.

Austin, quick to correct her misuse of words, told her that it was not A box - but rather, it was TWO boxes. Lydia, hurt by the lack of care or understanding of the effort it took to make it into one box stubbornly insisted that it was ONE box.

Commence argument.

Enter Mom to the scene. 

Mom: Go to bed, please stop talking to each other.
Austin: Mom, I just need to say two more sentences to Lydia. "Lydia, that is not one box, that is two boxes that have been taped together." whispers to mom: We are having a disagreement.
Lydia, indignantly: "Austin- it is not TWO boxes. It is ONE box."

Mom exits the scene after instructing each child individually to STOP talking to the other about the box.

After a few minutes of begrudging silence, talking was again heard from the room. It was more arguing about the box.

Dad, unaware of the ongoing argument enters the scene. 

Lydia: "Austin is making me feel bad because he thinks that it is two little boxes instead of one big box. It is one big box and it makes me feel bad that he does not think it is.

David tucks Lydia in, then stands to talk to Austin about the box. 

Austin's simple reply: "I can't let Lydia say things that are not right."

----

It is clear, from an outside perspective that each side was RIGHT. And because they were RIGHT they could not fathom how the other could also be RIGHT. And they would not back down until their RIGHT was the only RIGHT left standing.

I wish I could say that we were able to have an impactful conversation with them about how sometimes someone has opinions that are different than your own and that's okay. But we didn't, we just told them to go to sleep.

But as we, the parents, examined this minor "disagreement", as Austin called it, we thought it presented such a wonderful lesson not just for our children, but for us as well. In the world today, so many people are so concerned with being right, that they can't take the time to listen to and understand the perspective from the other persons point of view. From the outside, it is easy to see, that yes, it is both 1 box and 2 boxes. However, each child was so wrapped up in their own viewpoint, but they could not see the other child's perspective. In our society as we talk about politics, pandemics, equality and slew of other things, we are often so focussed on being "right" that we don't take the time to understand the other person's perspective. While we may not change our mind about whether it is one box or two boxes, if we understand them, we can hopefully be less likely to make them feel bad and dismiss their opinion without giving it our attention. Likewise, it can also help us understand that the person may just be trying to make sure we are doing the right thing and we can be less angered by their actions.

The lesson is to listen, to strive to understand and then recognize that it is still okay to disagree. But if we start with the disagreement instead of the listening and the understanding, we end up with anger, offense, and bitterness.

Who knew a box could tell us so much... or was it two boxes?

Fourth of July

I've been solemnly watching the world around me over the past couple of weeks leading up to this, usually celebratory holiday. Protests over racism, tearing down of statues of any person with mistakes attached to their past, heated arguments between good people about the "right" way to proceed. Labeling of others as "idiots", "ignorant", "feeding a narrative". It's just heavy. I'm glimpsing the truth of the words of the Savior "my yoke is easy and my burden is light" because the burden of the world right now is so heavy that the only way to endure is to yoke myself to the Lord.

My friend shared these words and they resonated with me as

"It's a lot right now. It's heavy. It's hard for many to feel patriotic, either because they don't believe our country has ever been something to be proud of, or because they are mourning what it has become as people become more divisive. Either way, there is mourning now. We have work to do. it has become clear to me many times that my role in that work is to share hope and light. To magnify the good and strive to be the good. Do you know your role? We all have one, whether it's warrior, theater, or other. Let's continue to work in faith that we can and will create a world wherein all of His children can be one. Not "the same," but one in heart, mourning with those that mourn, Comforting those that stand in need of comfort. We can't wait around for God to make that happen. We need to BUILD this world, and it starts by building it in our own hearts. I'm working on my heart. I stumble every day (somethings hour) but I'm working. How are you working on yours? Happy Independence Day Weekend for those celebrating, those feeling quiet reverence or somberness, and those who cannot celebrate. I see you and I love you." -McKenna Gordon @happyathomeschool

These words allowed me to finally put in words some of the feelings that I have been having lately and I want to share them here:

I've been silent on Social Media for a couple of weeks as I've been trying to find my best words, to know what Heavenly Father wants me to do to push His work along, and to make this place a place of love and peace for all his Children.      - - -    It's been a heavy month.     

I want to be able to post about my baby's first birthday and eating popsicles on the grass without feeling like I'm ignoring a significant issue in society. I feel like I have to make this post before I can do that, then hopefully I will be able to find a good balance. 

I believe that Satan frequently presents his lies in pairs, in extremes. The grand plan is to make you feel that if you are against one, then you have to choose the other. And then you have to defend your choice at all costs "lest evil win".

But the path of Christ falls in the tricky-to-navigate path in the middle. It takes faith, it takes hope, it takes a willingness to be humble, to listen to both sides, to pray, to stand for truth and righteousness while still using the goodness of God to change within and reach out with love.

This is a place where we stand and say "We will not allow racism to take place in our hearts and in our society. We will work to be anti-racist in our homes and communities. We recognize that there is hurtand there ARE problems and we use the grace of God to navigate those issues and do the work to better the society we are in."

We listen to others and we do not tell them that their experiences aren't real because they don't match our own life experiences. We repent, we diversify the books and voices we listen to, we find those of different backgrounds who love the Lord and we link arms with them in Faith. We mourn with those that mourn. 

We educate ourselves by listening to real stories of real people (both who think similarly and those who think differently), we do not use their stories to "prove our point" but we use them to understand the world that we live in.

We also stand. 

I believe that policies will not fix the hearts of the people. Only people can do that. There is a slippery slope to asking policy (and government) to enforce what only hearts have the power to change. Governmental change for positive change is good. Extreme policy without extensive and careful consideration is dangerous and will have extreme and damaging unintended consequences for all parties.

We do not allow those with a flawed past, but who tried to do right in the sphere that they had to be criminalized and the good they did erased. "We should judge our historic figures by whether or not, on the whole they were bending the arc of history toward a more perfect union."

We need to understand our history, teach the complexity of humanness, and recognize the hand of the Lord in the lives of those that came before us.

We take our past and we BUILD our future.

Today I celebrate America. I celebrate with solemnity and recognition of the work that can and should be done to create a future of goodness and light. I celebrate that we CAN build. That we can learn and change.

I will walk the middle path, the path of love and strength. I will stand for truth and righteousness against both extremes in all circumstances and help build a community - a country to be proud of.

"The Bible carried across the ocean by early colonists and settlers sparked not only the hope of freedom but the confidence that God could do wonders with flawed human beings. It has been noted from the Bible that Peter had a temper, Jonah ran from God, David had an affair, Paul was a persecutor, Noah got drunk, Miriam was a gossiper, Martha was a worrier, Matthew was a sinner, Thomas was a doubter, Moses stuttered, Zaccheus was short, Abraham was old, and Lazarus, of course, was dead. Each was flawed, each worthy of a monument. 

America is made from the many foundational principles etched in our history and engraven on our monuments by the founders and by those who have followed. Our heroines and heroes are representative of one of the most redeeming attributes of our nation — that America, at its core, is a redemption story. 

Over and over and over again, this nation has been renewed, restored and redeemed. That should provide us, individually and collectively, hope for better days ahead." 

-Boyd Matheson 

 I have a prayer in my heart for our country today. For each one of you, wherever you are Latin heart and mind, and for the Lord to lead us and help us navigate this path together.

A few other thoughts that I saw today that resonated with me: 
"Home of the Brave. Let's continue to be brave and stand for truth and what's right." - Fatima Dedrickson @stylefitfatty

"Fison Mwesige is celebrating Independence Day as one of America's newest citizens. His words below inspire a sense of patriotism and gratitude for the country he now calls home: 'The United States is known as a multicultural nation; no country on earth has such diversity. People of different faiths, religions come from every part of the world and become the citizens of this great country and call it their own. What a privilege!  I am so happy to become a US citizen, and it is an honor and great feeling I can't even express in words. God bless Mr. Boyer and his family for their great heart of helping refugee students become successful in this great country and living the American dream. I am grateful and so happy to be a citizen.' " @one_refugee

This is me sharing my heart about some of the things going on in our country right now. Honestly, I wrote these things more for me than for anyone else. 

I want this collection of squares (Instagram) on the internet as well as this blog/book to be a place where I can share all the pieces of my heart: the heavy, the determined, the humble, the simple, the joyful. I've been stuck waiting for the right words, but they aren't there. So I will share these:

 I am a builder. I will build my home, my community, my country to be the place that my hope and faith tells me it can be. I will humbly listen, pray with faith, and go forth with effort and truth. I will share light, I will teach love, I will make mistakes but I will not give up. I will build bridges and I will build fortifications. I will build a sanctuary of faith in my heart and home. I will work to build peace outside of my home. I love America and will work to build it, too. It's the Fourth of July today and my heart is solemn with gratitude for those (of all backgrounds) who have worked to make our country what it is, and pledge to do my part to continue to build on their legacy with love and faith.

Here are a few pictures from our 4th of July night. Watching fireworks with Lydia and Austin and reflecting on many of the things above. 

I'm also adding in these two screenshots from @OhHappyDani. I love that they speak to my desire to use my influence within my sphere of influence and what that might look like. 

Babies

“When God wants a great work done in the world or a great wrong righted, he goes about it in a very unusual way. He doesn't stir up his earthquakes or send forth his thunderbolts. Instead, he has a helpless baby born, perhaps in a simple home and of some obscure mother. And then God puts the idea into the mother’s heart, and she puts it into the baby’s mind. And then God waits. The greatest forces in the world are not the earthquakes and the thunderbolts. The greatest forces in the world are babies.” - E.T. Sullivan

This thought it beautiful. As I am spending most of my days holding a tiny new baby and watching my three slightly older babies play and learn and grow, it really hits home to me. (i.e. makes me cry). Praying that I can love and nourish these babies in the way that they need and that they will grow to be a powerful force for good in this world. 

Keeping it Real

My Grandma Knowles is always so thoughtful and on top of things. She sends cards to all her grandkids (and great grandkids) on their birthdays, anniversaries, and other holidays. Last Mother's Day, she sent me a lovely little book about motherhood. (I'm so grateful for her thoughtfulness and want to be more thoughtful like her.) The other day I opened up the drawer in my tech center and I saw this. The irony was not lost on me. A beautiful book about "Keeping it Real" right in the middle of my "put this here until I decide what to do with it" drawer. That, my friends, is what real looks like around here.

I spend hours doing dishes and laundry and always trying to help my house look nice but I value even more the time spent with my family and I don't stress too much about perfection. My house won't ever be dust-free, minimalist (which is the trend right now), or perfectly kept - but I hope that my family always feels comfortable, safe,  and loved within our faith-filled walls.

The weather today.

This morning while I making breakfast for the kids, Lydia insisted on turning off all of the lights (it's this thing that she's been doing lately. She just really, really, really likes when all the lights are off) so I opened the curtains on the sliding door. It's been nice outside lately. For a while, the inversion was so bad that it looked like there was fog outside, but it wasn't innocent little clouds - the inversion had just sunk so far that if you went outside you were literally walking in smog. But it's cleared up a bit. The other day we even went to the Farm to walk around and all we needed were some jackets and boots. The outdoors must have been calling to both kids because they stood by the door and just looked outside. They watched a train go by, and before I knew it - Lydia had the door open and was venturing outside. She was thrilled that she could be outside without her shoes on. I called her back in, but Austin was not to be left out. He stood by the door, and grunted and whined and pointed. He convinced Lydia to crack the door and that's all he needed to pull it open and squeeze outside himself. I was covered in raw chicken because while breakfast was cooking, I was cutting up some chicken to freeze for meals this month. So he got all the way outside, down the stairs, and into our play structure on the back porch. He was thrilled. Lydia was equal parts nervous for Austin (shouting about her "precious baby") and excited that she had another excuse to be outside. It was a little crisp, but really not very cold.

I was tempted to let them play outside for a while, but breakfast was ready - and I thought that "good mom" would probably bring her pajama clad babies back inside. But already I was planning to make it back to the farm later today to take advantage of the chance to be outside.

Lydia went to preschool and the wind started howling. I had just put Austin down for a nap and I was upstairs when I heard the wind really pick up and rush past, rattling the house, and knocking over some unseen objects outside. I love the wind. Kind of scary, and thrilling, and makes me so grateful to be able to wrap up in a blanket inside my toasty house.

I still had plans to try to make it outside today.

But dark clouds just rolled in and the rain let loose! Pounding the windows and ground outside. I can even see a few pieces of hail mixed within all the giant rain drops. It's beautiful. And makes me want to cancel all plans that would take us away from our house so that we can just sit inside and watch the rain (or blog, whichever the case may be).

The weather today looks grim and grey, but it's brought so much happiness to my little life. In all honesty, yesterday wasn't the greatest day. I was far from the mother that I want to be. The mom that jumped out when irritated, matched the yuckiness of the inversion outside. But the weather outside, as well as many heartfelt prayers, seem to be clearing my heart and helping me focus on the two little people who my world revolves around.

So today, rain and wind. Thank you for visiting us. Please blow and pour to your hearts content... and take the inversion away with you when you leave!

Today...

Today...

-I started working on some wedding announcement designs for a new RLD client and got the finished announcements for a different client packaged up and ready to mail. I haven't done a lot of Red Ladder stuff lately, and it's nice to be doing a little bit of it again.

-It took me over 2.5 hours to sweep my kitchen floor. Between Austin only taking one half-hour nap this morning and Lydia running through the kitchen (and then when I asked her not to run in the kitchen because she was getting crumbs on her feet- taking off her pajamas and holding them around her feet and hopping through the kitchen) it honestly took me that long. However, the floor has now been swept, the table wiped down, and the area around the garbage can deep cleaned.

-We ate our lunch on a blanket in the backyard. It was a beautiful day for a picnic and when Lydia asked - I couldn't say no! (Plus, remember the recently swept kitchen? Win-win.) It felt like May - I can't believe it's February. Austin loved laying on the blanket, and Lydia and I ate our hot dogs and clementines while basking in the sun.

-I hadn't gotten Lydia or I ready for the day other than putting on clothes and haphazardly pulling our hair back(again, remember the marathon kitchen sweeping?) - but when we heard our friends out in the front yard we went out to play, disregarding my reservations about the way we looked. We had a nice time and would have missed out if we hadn't gone.

-I got two packages in the mail today, one of which was a set of puzzles to give Lydia for Valentine's day. (We are just using the holiday as an excuse because she needs more puzzles.) I love getting packages in the mail.

-David has to work late tonight - but that pain is slightly lessened by our standing Wednesday night dinner date with the Coopers. It's hard to have daddies that have to work late - but it's nice to have friends to spend that time with instead. (The 5-7 hours are difficult and pushing through them together is a sanity saver - even if it is only once a week.)

Sometimes...

Sometimes you sit down to watch a movie with your spouse, excited to be able to relax and enjoy your evening - then your daughter starts crying upstairs because she's thrown up all over herself. So instead of enjoying a movie together, you spend the rest of the night taking care of your incredibly miserable child.

Sometimes you have incredibly fun Saturday plans but the aforementioned child is still sick and still so miserable. So, no Primary Program Practice, no Cornbellys, and no Murder Mystery date night.

Sometimes you are reminded (for the millionth time) that you are so incredibly lucky to have such a wonderful spouse and that there isn't anyone you'd rather be a parent with.

Sometimes you have 5 blogs in draft form but can't manage to put into words the things that you want to say and so they just sit there, unfinished and taunting you.

And sometimes, even when things don't go exactly as planned - or even when you can't manage to do all the things you want/need to do - you are overwhelmed with how grateful you are for your life and for all the wonderful things that it involves.

Today's Random Thoughts

Today, I'm laughing at this: Stick Man Adventures

See? That's David and I climbing a ladder to save someone. I'm awesome at drawing stick figures with a mouse.

You will be even more impressed when you realize that I drew that with a tiny mini-mouse that we got for free at an accounting recruiting event. Not the big nice touchpad mouse that belongs with our computer. When the nice mouse runs out of batteries, I pull out the mini one and use it until I finally decide (or David finally decides) to dig around for batteries.

Life is always so full of different emotions. It's amazing how quickly I can go from feeling worried and scared to incredibly happy and grateful. I just think that there are so many different aspects of life, and the more I try to take things just a tiny piece at a time, the happier I am. I get overwhelmed fairly easily especially when I start thinking about all the things I need to do, and how fast time is going by, and what is life going to be like when Lydia is a teenager and how will we possibly be able to teach her how to be happy and confident and spiritual when there are so many negative things beating at the door. We have a lot of friends and family members who are struggling with many different things, and we ourselves struggle with our own challenges. But there is so much good in the world. So today, instead of being worried, stressed, and upset - I'm choosing to be happy.

Here are some things that make me happy:

-Being able to stay home and be with Lydia as she signs "Train" and "Airplane" and "Car" and "Food" over and over again. (She likes her vehicles almost as much as she likes to eat.)

-Staying up late with David talking about all of the things we want for our future family. Even though we said that we were going to go to bed early.

-Eating yummy food. (We've made a lot of good recipes lately.) Some of my favorites have been: Sweet Pork Salads, Two Timin' Pasta, Southwest Chicken Soup and Creamy Chicken Fajitas. Mmmmm.

-Wearing white cargo capris with a happy colored shirt. I feel like I'm cheating the system (what? a mom wearing white pants?) and even though I have to wash them every. single. time. I wear them, it's worth it.

-Fun and random things like a Family Rootbeer taste-test. Who knew that Teddy's would be my very favorite? It tied with A&W. As for Bundaberg- don't even try it. It was the worst. I believe that out of the eleven of us it was the lowest ranked rootbeer.

-Well designed product packaging. Seriously. I love a pretty package label.

-The new "individualized lists" on Netflix! We now have a list for David, one for me, one for Lydia, and one for when David and I watch together. It's awesome. Doctor Who for me. Prison Break for David. And all of the baby shows on their own list. Lydia doesn't watch TV often, but occasionally I will put on Barney for her - and it's nice to be able to have that on it's own queue.

-My Birthday! Did you know that my birthday is only ten days away? Yep! I love birthdays. And this one is going to be super great, I just know it.

-Our Red Ladder Design - About Us page. It seriously makes me so happy. How lucky am I to have such a wonderful man by my side through this crazy business venture? So lucky.

-Crazy hair days. This is Lydia and I right now. We may not leave the house like this, but for right now we are happy to be here together, especially with our crazy hair.

Things I think.

I seem to go through stages with blogging. I get behind on things that I want to post about and when I finally get the motivation to blog them - I do them all at one time. Like four in a day for a week and half straight. Then I slack off and let myself get behind again. Oh well. I love blogging. That's why I do it. (Of course, I also love to print out our blog books as our family journal.) So whenever I get stressed out about it - I just stop and remind myself that I should just do it when I love it. Some of my favorite posts are the ones that are about little funny adventures or about the random thoughts of my brain. So I'm trying to remember to write more of those instead of just about what we did.

That being said... Here are some of the things I have been thinking about lately.

-I love Lehi. I really do. I love how it still has that small town feel, even though it's huge. The other day we were talking about the population of Lehi and so I looked it up. In 1990 the population was less than 9,000 people. In 2011 it was almost 49,000. It's amazing. As I was driving by the Lehi Roller Mill I was thinking about how much has changed - and then when I drove past the abandoned gas station by I15 and 2100 North, I had this irresistible urge to stop and take a picture of it because it won't be there for much longer. Some new building will come in and no one will ever remember what it looked like when we moved here. 

-It makes me sad when people talk so negatively about gaining weight during pregnant. I totally understand the feeling of wanting to look nice and be healthy but when I hear people talk about hating their body because they are getting fat (or about not wanting to get pregnant ever again because then they would have to loose that extra 40 pounds) it really makes me SO sad. Not only do I feel sad for them because they are missing out on the beauty and joy of a happy healthy pregnancy, but because I immediately feel that they must think that I was fat and ugly during pregnancy. But you know what? I didn't ever feel fat and ugly. Of course, I was big and sometimes uncomfortable - but I thought my body was more beautiful than it had ever been before. Maybe that's too much for some people. But I'm being honest. I wish I could help people understand that sometimes you have to look past the scale and take life for what it is. Pregnancy is about so much more than "gaining weight" and "ruining your body". I feel like people sometimes take for granted what a blessing and a miracle it is to be pregnant.

-On a similar note: I read this article about passing on body hatred several weeks ago and still haven't removed it from my browser tabs on the iPad. I. Loved. It. Again, I loved it. I cried as I read it, and as I am rereading it now, I can feel the tears welling up again. I love the closing statement: "Let us honour and respect our bodies for what they do instead of despising them for how they appear. Focus on living healthy and active lives, let our weight fall where it may, and consign our body hatred in the past where it belongs." This sums up exactly how I want to live my life. I want to teach Lydia that she can be anything and do anything and that she is inherently valuable. Her divine nature, her role as my daughter, her life - these things make her valuable. The way she looks is a tiny tiny tiny part of her whole self and she can contribute so many things that have nothing to do with appearance. I want her to know that she is smart, funny, and caring, and that those qualities (and the qualities like them) are the most important. I want her to be confident in herself because of the things that she does and that she accomplishes. To quote from the article again, (Lydia's name inserted) "When [Lydia] looks to us to learn how to be a woman, we need to be the best role models we can. We need to show her with our words and our actions that women are good enough just the way they are. And for her to believe us, we need to believe it ourselves." This is why I am making an effort now to stop criticizing myself each time I look at a picture of me. No more "Please take another one, my bangs look funny, or my arm looks fat, or whatever tiny detail I don't approve of." This is why I am making an effort to gracefully acknowledge and accent complements that I receive instead of saying "No, but you are very nice."  This is why I am making an effort NOW to love myself for who and I and the things that I have done/do in my life instead of focusing so much on my appearance. Because I can't just tell Lydia these things, I have to believe them and act on them. This is why right now I am making an effort to live a healthy and active life and to let my weight fall where it may and instead spend my energy that used to go toward worrying and criticizing myself on serving my family and friends and letting the more important things shine through in my countenance.  

--On a lighter note: When people do smilies like (: instead of like :) I always think that they are doing a frownie face like :(  - because the parenthesis is the wrong way. Sometimes it makes for really confusing emoticons. "I really love my husband (:" ends up in my head as "Oh, they really love their husband... but they are unhappy about it. Wait. Is that a smiley face? It looks like a frowny face. Oh, nope. The colon is on the right-hand side which makes it a smiley face." Jeez. Am I missing something? (I do notice them more in people younger than me - so maybe it's a generational thing?)

--It may be towards the end of the summer, but we are finally getting a move-on on putting plants in our yard. We don't like bees, so we are going with mostly non-flowering and easy to maintain plants in our flower beds. The thing that I am thinking about the most is whether or not we should put a little bench in our front flower bed. The sun hits our backyard hard in the evening and so we will probably be spending lots of hours in our front yard. Most of our neighbors have covered porches -but we do not. So it might be nice to have a bench to sit on. But I worry that it will look funny to me to have a bench in the flower bed. Hmmm. Obviously I haven't decided yet.

And that's it for today's edition of "Things I think." Some of them are a little deep. Next time I'll do a "Thinks I Think - Light" Haha.

Cleaning time...

All of our stuff is moved out. 

We have four days left in our beloved apartment. 

What does that mean? 

Cleaning time. 

I just have to say... I HATE cleaning blinds (and windows)!

They are sticky and dusty and yucky.

Even when you finish tediously cleaning each blind and every corner - they still don't look clean.

5 solid hours into the process and I only have one window done and two other windows started. None of them look clean or even remotely better than when I started.

Heaven help me!

Journaling

Last night David and I were eating dinner and talking about anything and everything. Somehow we got on the subject of Chicago (maybe talking about potential vacation spots if we decide we can't make London happen?). That lead to me telling David about how I almost went on a "study abroad" to Chicago during Spring Break with the Interior Design program my sophomore year of college. The conversation then bounced to our relationship and whether we would have been dating and what we we did instead of me going to Chicago. We were laughing as we tried to remember - and we kept getting that year confused with the following year when we worked 60 hours that week because we both felt that we would be getting engaged soon and wanted to have some extra money put aside. (Which was a good thing because we got engaged at the end of the week and were able to put that money towards our awesome honeymoon.) One of us would say something and we would both start laughing at our poor memories. Then David said "Lets pull out our old journals and see what we really did do that Spring Break." The rest of the night was spent looking through and laughing at all the crazy things we wrote about.

It was so interesting to go back and read about our dating time. In retrospect it was easy to see how perfect we were for each other and laugh at things like "I really think that I like him." Because, hello, of course you like him silly girl - he is going to be your everything, your whole world. He is perfect for you and you won't know what you ever did without him. But at the time, the emotions were so real and so uncertain.

We also read through much of our married lives. We laughed and laughed at the silly things we did, and the crazy things we wrote. There was definitely a pattern in my journal entries - I think I said "I'm so tired" at least twice per entry. And some entries like this one.. that is all that I had the energy to write.

Tuesday, 9-6-2011: "So tired..."

We laughed and laughed at the way we worded things or the experiences we had forgotten about. By the end, we were both saying how we wished that we were still as good about writing in our Journals. At one point we were religious about it, writing in it every night. I have years and years of my life recorded away in these books. There have been events like birthdays, holidays, getting engaged and married. There have been trials and opposition like stress during school, broken down cars, morning sickness, and miscarriage. There are entries about my testimony and faith and there are entries about nothing important at all.

There are too many "favorite" journal entries to post them all. One that had me giggling was this one: Thursday, 9-8-2011, "The problem with going to bed is that all the sudden it's morning again so quickly." You can definitely tell that I like to be with David and that the reason I was always so tired while writing in my journal is because we stayed up because if we went to bed then we had to be away from each other (during the night and then for the next day).  Another entry that made me just about cry was this one:  Thursday, 8-25-2011, "Shantel is very tired. She had a good day teaching today, but it was very busy. She also brought so much joy to her husband. - Her loving husband David, for Shantel Elise." I must have been too tired to write. I was in my first trimester with Lydia and was basically exhausted all the time. David is so wonderful to have written my in my journal for me. I'm so lucky to have him.  

We aren't as good at writing in our journals anymore, but I like to think that blogging has taken the place of our handwritten journals. In some ways, it is much better because we are better at recording fun events, silly things, and lots and lots of pictures. It's awesome because we have printed out each year into a blog book that we set on our side table in our family room. People can pick it up and flip through it or we can reference back through it. It is much more reader friendly (you know, for future generations and such). However, in some ways it's not as good. I was reading through our blog book of 2011 and thought to myself "I was pregnant then, I was pregnant while writing that post." And then a couple pages later, "I was having a miscarriage while I wrote that post. I'm writing about all of these other things, but I didn't write about what was really going on." At the time, it was much too painful to put out infront of the world by blogging about it. But now, other than a few references there isn't really a record of having gone through such a hard time in our lives. Thats not to say that there isn't a record of it, because I wrote in my personal journal about it - but it just isn't all in the same place.

Regardless, I love this new form of journaling that we have chosen to pursue.  I love that we can post about random things, or post about the way we feel, or post about things we've done. Most of all, I love all of the pictures of this sweet girl: 

She is getting into everything. The whole time I was laying out my journals to take pictures she was picking them up, crawling all over them, pulling them into a pile, pushing them away. It was quite the adventure. I would be so sad to read back through my journals and read things about her but not be able to have any pictures of her sweet face. I definitely think that blogging is the best form of journaling for us. There are just things that we blog about that would never make it into our journals, and those are the things that I love. However, I truly believe that journaling is so important. So I'm going to be better at blogging about anything and everything. I will blog about whatever I want, because that is what I want to read about in 2 years, or 5 years, or 20 years. I will blog about the things that I want my children to read about. I will stop worrying so much about what other people think about the things that I post, and focus on blogging as a way to record our families history. Because I love this: 

And I would love nothing more than to see this stack of two books turn into three books, then five books, then 50 books. Wouldn't that be an amazing legacy? 

I counted up my journals, and there are 20. One of them isn't pictured because I tried out a larger size (and realized that there was a reason that I liked the smaller size). I keep these journals together in a couple of shoeboxes and couldn't find that larger one. When we get moved in to our house and aren't in  the middle of such crazy packing i'm going to find it and make sure that it never gets lost again.  Here is my first journal and my last journal together. 

#1: September 1996 - January 2004       #20: October 2011 - Present

My Grandma and Grandpa Walker gave me my first journal for my 9th birthday (1996). 

 

At the close of that journal I wrote: "It took me seven years, but I am done with my first journal. Hopefully I will do better. -Shantel Walker"

 Little did that young girl know, once she reached high school she would start writing every day. Her journals would average 3-5 months each. Journal #1 took seven years. The following seven years she would fill up 19 more books. 

I loved going back and reading through my old journals. I am reminded about how good my life has been. I am strengthened by the testimony that I have shared and am grateful for the insight I recorded and can now go back and read. I'm sure that I will continue do a combination of blogging and writing - but in both areas I want to be better at recording our lives. Because... we have a good life. A great life. We are blessed at every turn and enjoy every moment together. 

I can't wait to print our 2012 book, and to continue to write this year and the year after that, and the year after that. I have a testimony of the blessings that come from keeping a journal. I'm so grateful for a husband who has the same desire to record his life and blessings - and who will sit with me for hours reading and laughing at what we wrote and just enjoying our life together. 

Twenty-Thirteen

Happy New Year! 

Over the past week it seems that everywhere I go I've been wishing people a Happy New Year. Yesterday, I was at the post office and when I wished the postal worker a Happy New Year she looked at me like I was a bit crazy as she said thank you. New Years Eve has passed and we are almost a week into the new year, but I guess I am just really excited for this fresh start and all the wonderful things that this new year will bring.

As we began 2012, David and I were full of anticipation for our new little baby girl to arrive. We were full of dreams and excitement. Now Lydia is here with us and having her in our lives has been everything we could have imagined. It may be hard to top the year twenty-twelve, but we are going to do our best to make twenty-thirteen even better. At the beginning of last year, I made some New Years Resolutions. I think that I want to revisit those resolutions and then make a few more for this next year. 

Last year, the things that I decided I wanted to focus on were: 
1- Deliver a healthy baby. (This may seem silly, but it's a lot of work and a big deal so I decided to include it in my list.)
2- Continue to develop an attitude of Charity. Make sure this shows through my actions to the people around me. (i.e. give the benefit of the doubt, don't complain, don't judge, perform acts of service.) 
3- Do my visiting teaching every month. No excuses!
4- Be more involved with Finances/ Budgeting.

I tried to pick one thing from each area of my life. One attitude thing, one action thing, one real life thing. As I look back on this small list - I can honestly say that I made an effort in each of these areas. Obviously I'm not perfect, but I feel like I accomplished each of these goals. 

This year, my goals are very similar. I think that goals should be achievable while still pushing you to be better. After some thought - this is what I have come up with: 
1- Buy and move into our first home. 
2- Focus on seeing the needs of people around me and then working to fill those needs. This goes hand in hand with continuing to develop an attitude of Charity. 
3- Work hard to meet new people in our new ward/neighborhood. Be friendly, social, inviting, and inclusive. (Along with this: Strive to fulfill my calling the the very fullest.)
4- Continue to grow as a mother and wife. Focus on Lydia and David and finding the things I can do to bless their lives the most. Three things that go under this category: -More quality time (Stop letting other distractions get in the way.), -Healthier eating options , and -Maintain a positive attitude about myself and others (Stop letting little things get me down and frustrated.)

I realize that several of these goals have quite a few sub-goals, but these are the things that I want to work on this year. Two-thousand-thirteen is going to be a fantastic year for our little family and I can't wait to see what it brings. My only hope is that we will be able to meet each challenge with faith, that we can be aware of the needs of those around us, and that we will be able to enjoy every second we have together. 

Happy 2013! 

Todays Thought: On Life

I am on my lunch break right now. Eating my Ocean Spray fruit snacks (hands down my favorite kind) and thinking about life. I was reading through some of my favorite blogs - and for some reason I was incredibly touched by this blog post over at Young House Love.

The post addresses the issue of dealing with criticism that you receive through blog comments - but I think that it is such good advice and really applies to all areas of life. The four tips that they gave for dealing with this are:

• It’s your blog.
• Be who you are. That is enough.
• Try to give the good feedback as much weight as the bad.
• Do all things with love.

Oh my heck, I loved it! It's your life. Be who you are, that is enough. Give the good feedback as much weight as the bad. Do all things with love.  What inspirational words. I encourage you to go over and read what they have to say. All I know is that today I am grateful for David. For my life. For my baby. For everything. Sometimes I really let criticisms get to me - but this is such a good reminder to just shake it off.

People can be insensitive. Love them anyway. Be who you are - because that is enough.

That's my thought for the day. Now i'm going to get back to grading assignments so I can leave work early and go out to dinner with my love. It's almost the weekend! Hallelujah. Happy Friday everyone.

Dear Thursday,

The past couple of days i've been feeling very contemplative and in need of a release. So- Today I'm going to steal the idea of a "Dear Thursday" post from my friend Jenna. (Go check her out - she is totally awesome and I love reading her blog. You will love it too. She keeps it real, but very funny at the same time.)

---

Dear people who don't like letters to inanimate objects,
You can stop reading this post right now. If you keep reading - it's your own problem. Deal with it.

Dear Clock,
Why do you move so quickly during my lunch period - but so slowly when I am waiting for the end of a difficult class period?

Dear Sams Club,
I love you because of your cheap bulk goods including, but not limited to: your Chicken and Cheese burritos, your delicious Fruit Cups, your movie theater popcorn oil/salt, and your $2- 3lb package of grapes. (All of which i've eaten today.)

Dear HBM,
Why do you insist on keeping my husband away from me for such long periods of time. I get that you pay him to work for you - but weeklong trips to Beaver and Kemmerer were all I could handle! Do you really need him for Meet the Firms tonight?

Dear Fly in my classroom,
I don't understand why you keep trying to land on my arm. I have a HUGE classroom. Just go buzz around out there. You are making me upset and I am probably going to try to smash you if you continue.

Dear friends who are pregnant/ have a sweet new baby,
You are very lucky. Please remember that. Also, even though I sometimes miss you blogging about things other than your baby - I know that when I have a baby I will be the same way. So it's okay.

Dear September,
I love you because you mean that it is my birthday month! You also mean that the time when I get to wear a trench coat to school every day is quickly approaching.

Dear friends who are reading this post still,
Thanks for reading. I appreciate good friends like you.

Today...

Today I am:

Grateful.

Jealous.

Tired.

Nervous.

Excited.

Disappointed.

Blessed.

 

I can only imagine what tomorrow will bring.

Today...

Picture from here.

Today I am grateful for: 

-Microwaves to heat up leftovers, defrost meat, and pop popcorn.

-Bathtubs that double as "Foot Spa"'s for dirty, bruised, and tired feet.

-Surprise checks for $80 found in my school mailbox.

-Being selected as the recipient of a $20 Gift Card to Texas Roadhouse from this favorite blog of mine: Howe To Cook.

-Computer cords that were lost, but due to the kind heart of others, have been returned.

-Good customer service that makes all the difference.

-A wonderful husband who works hard at his job and still takes the time to leave me love notes around the house.

-Modern technology such as iMovie, iDVD, Gmail, and Skype.

What are you grateful for?

Today's thought...

I love reading people's blogs for the great inspirational ideas that they have. Sometimes I am inspired to be more creative with crafty things, to be more dedicated to sewing things, or to be more consistent in cooking good meals. More than all of these things, I love to be inspired to be a better person. I love to read about people's lives and the realities of the things that they face and their positive attitudes in spite of everything. Sometimes the things that I read about are deep and thought provoking. Sometimes the things I read are silly and good for nothing except to make me laugh. 

Today I found this: 

and I was inspired.