Shantel June

This was a hard month for me. 

You know, some months are just hard - and that's okay. David was out of town a lot and although we usually manage just fine while he is gone, there was a lot going on and things were harder than normal. It wasn't necessarily the fact that he was gone that was the hard thing - I am a capable adult and we have great kids - but there were some other hard things in the month that happened and because I count on David to center me and help me through those hard things, it ended up being a little more difficult to navigate. 

That made it more stressful on David to be gone so much because I didn't hide the fact that I was struggling very well. I didn't mean to make him feel guilty for being gone, I was just genuinely having a rough time. We don't often have significant conflict but this month was not our easiest month. I am grateful for David's forgiving nature and how well he loves us and provides for us.

In part, I did it to myself. Usually when David is gone, we hunker down and just take care of ourselves/our necessities - but kids still had activities all through the month and I had many MANY things that I had responsibilities for and they all happened to line up back to back and it was just a lot. 

Additionally, I had a weird experience with a group of women that I've been getting closer to and it triggered some significant emotional distress relating to past experiences of feeling inadequate, of being unable to say the right thing to heal a relationship, of feeling unacceptable because of who I am as a person/my personality. Over the past 10 years I've had to work through a lot of difficult feelings of hurt, of guilt, and of feeling like I must be a bad person because I am so disliked by someone I perceive as being good. This experience brought a lot of that to the surface again and it just felt bad. 

I'm trying to shake it off and move forward. I need an affirmation statement to say in times like this. 

...

Ha. I was starting to feel upset all over again so I took a break and asked Google AI Gemini to write me a personalized positive affirmation statement. Here are some of it's options:  

I am fully confident in my capabilities and potential. Mistakes are valuable lessons that contribute to my growth. My worth is intrinsic and not determined by others’ opinions. I am enough.

I am confident and capable. I am learning and growing every day. Sometimes I make choices that aren’t ideal, but I am always striving to do my best. My value as a person is not determined by others’ opinions. I have chosen this path and am committed to seeing it through.

Good job Gemini. 

Moving on... 

Here are some of the things I was in charge of. I took one picture at each event. 

1. Mothers of Influence gathering to watch the live broadcast of Marlene Peterson's Simple Beauty Conference. 

2. Summer Social for the Primary Presidents in our Stake. Usually we hold this at the Thanksgiving Point Deli, but because David was out of town (and I was babysitting Sylvie and Juniper in preparation for July when we babysit them for 3 weeks), we held it at my house. 

3. Inklings gathering to study the conference talks from April General Conference.  

4. MOI Springville Meeting where I was tasked with leading the discussion about Math. I love Math and feel passionate about Math in homeschool. 

5. I hosted a baby shower for Dani and her sweet baby boy. I'm so grateful that there was such a good turnout and that it went so well. This was my favorite event of the entire month. I love this dear friend and am so grateful for her in my life. We played dice games: Quixx and Bank in a rotating winner/loser round order and then squoze in one round of secret hitler. We ate leftover ice cream from my Primary President meeting and I borrowed a balloon arch from someone who had one leftover from a child's birthday party. It was simple and lovely and good. 

Whew. 

June.  It was a lot. 

We had a cousin weekend. I dropped the kids off early Friday morning even though David had to still work.  I spent the morning at the temple doing both initiatory and an endowment. I wanted to squeeze in a sealing-to-parents, too, but they couldn't fit me in and I was super bummed. When I was done, I took a little picnic lunch and hiked a nearby trail, Red Potato Trail, then sat and painted in my travel watercolor journal. I sat on the top of that mountain and just breathed. Breath after breath after breath. I listened to general conference talks. I painted. I felt the sunshine on my skin. I ate a delicious packed lunch. Actually, on the way up the trail it started sprinkling rain and I texted David that he might have to come pick me up from the top, but I stubbornly kept hiking. I had a whole exasperated conversation with myself about why I was still hiking instead of turning around - but I knew that I needed this afternoon and I was going to take it rain or shine. In a tender mercy, it stopped raining as I approached the summit, waited for me to have my hour or so at the top, then started sprinkling again on the way down. It was beautiful and my heart needed the quiet and peace more than I can even express. 


The beginning of June wasn't my favorite month ever. But we've got fun things on the horizon and I'm putting the stress of it behind me and recentering on my confidence and ability to move forward in faith. 

Shantel May

I've started doing these "Shantel - month" posts, almost like a little wrapup of my month. When I was first blogging I would write about things that I liked or I was doing (Friday Five were some of my favorite posts), but the blog has evolved into a family journal. I love that about this blog. However, here are some thoughts, likes, and things from me this month. 

I officially stepped down as the director of SPARK Cooperative for the next school year. I have been feeling the need to shift my energy and attention and even though SPARK has been fantastic for our family, I felt the need to pull away. (This is one of the balls that I kept dropping over the past couple of months and it feels good to let it go.)  

Within days of stepping down from the leadership role at SPARK, I decided to move ahead with co-hosting a Mothers of Influence (MOI) group AND become the finance chair for the kids Thursday co-op. It felt a little like "wow, I can't allow myself any time to breathe - responsibility just draws itself into the vacuum." I can especially see how it would seem that way from the outside. However, I actually feel that these are responsibilities I wanted to take on and are the direction that I needed to go but the additional responsibility of SPARK was holding me back. Stepping down as coop director was more about making room for the things calling to me and less about having too much responsibility in general. 

I have wanted to create a group of homeschooling mothers who gather regularly to lift and support each other for a long time. Part of that desire has been met through our homeschool retreat, but I wanted to extend it throughout the year. I've been attending a MOI group in Mapleton for a while now and it's such a beautiful group with beautiful women, but it's far from me and my kids. I have the desire for a close group of people who are a support to me and a community for my children. Ali Middleton has similar dreams and asked if I would co-host an MOI group with her. I think having someone to share the leadership responsibility is exactly the thing that I needed to agree to start a group like this. 

We met for the first time this month at my house (we will swap houses every other month) and talked about "A Mother's Heart" from the Well Educated Heart Catch the Vision course. I think there are some kinks to be worked out in the group and I'm hoping that some of the initial bumps will work themselves out as we grow together as a group. (Also, I had a little bit of a rough week which colored my perspective of how well the meeting went. I felt a little blah about it afterwards, but I have high hopes for beautiful connections in the future!) 

I am not known for taking great care of plants. Any greenery you see in my house is almost definitely fake. However, in February I was given both of these plants and have been doing such a good job taking care of them. I'm surprised at the amount of joy it is giving me. The fern-type plant was a gift from Ali after the Sue's passing. The bonzai tree (a notably difficult plant to care for) was a gift from my Grandma Zuriel Knowles. She wanted to give me something to say thank you for helping to plan her 90th birthday and felt like this was the right thing. My mom, knowing my bad track record with plants, tried to convince her to do something else but my grandma insisted this was the right thing. I laughed when I received it, but I have quickly grown to love this darling little bonzai and I'm grateful for my grandmother who gave it to me. 

These women are such a support, inspiration, and boon to me. We went out to dinner for Bethany's birthday and at one point I just sat in the middle of the table with chatter all around me (and a ridiculously loud live band playing right next to us, ha) and was filled with gratitude to be surrounded by them. They are an answer to my prayers in so many ways, homeschooling and beyond. Such strong, faithful, brave, diligent, creative, kind women. I'm blessed to be a part of them. 

These art pieces are two that spoke to me the last time David and I were walking through Deseret Book. They are just so beautiful.  

Shantel Friends and Girls Nights

December is always a busy month filled with Christmas Activities, but this month I was able to sneak away to spend some time with friends/sisters. I have been feeling the need to make extra effort to nurture my friendships in this season. (season meaning season in life, not holiday season) I feel the need to connect with other women, to strengthen my relationships, and increase the bonds I feel within my community. I have had some really great women come into my life in the past few years and I have a great appreciation for my sisters/family and the role they play in my life. 

Here are a few things that I was able to make time for this month, and a few things that I don't have pictures of, but that I am feeling grateful for anyway. 

- An early morning temple appointment with Bethany Zarbock at the Draper Temple. We met up at 6 am to do an endowment session and it was just such a cold but lovely morning. I have always wanted friends to regularly attend the temple with, and Bethany is a gift because she has started initiating an early morning temple appointment and even though we live far from each other - we can meet in the middle and help each other accomplish our desire to be in the temple more. (It is infinitely easier to get up at 5 am to drive to the temple at 6 if you know you have someone expecting you!) 

-I went to the theatrical release of the Taylor Swift concert with my sisters. As an update: Taylor Swift is a 
cultural phenomenon. She is easily the most successful musical artist of my time. I think she's comparable to Elvis Presley and is doing some really incredible things. I don't listen to a lot of music in general, and although I know some of her songs, I'm not even close to an avid fan. But I have incredible respect for her and what she's accomplished. Even though we weren't going to pay hundreds (thousands) of dollars to see her perform live, I didn't want to miss the chance to be part of this historical experience. Melissa is a "Swiftie" (Taylor Swift fan) and it was fun to be able to connect with her on this, too. We got together and made matching friendship bracelets (a ritual for the Tswift fans) that say "SWIFT SISTER" on them, plus we made a few extra to hand out to others in the theater. I may not listen to a lot of music in my regular day-to-day, but I can definitely appreciate a good performance, and the performance value for this concert/movie was incredible. I had a great time being there with my sisters. 

-I've been making a concerted effort to connect with the women in a MOI group that I was invited to last year. The group is centered fairly far away (Springville) but it's made up of some really incredible women who are well-established in the homeschool world and who have a vision of their homeschools filled with art, poetry, nature, music, and literature. I really love learning from them, and if I'm being honest, part of the draw is that I am not in charge of a single thing in that sphere. I can take off my "in charge of all the things" hat and sit back and listen and learn. It's been a good growing experience for me. MOI stands for "Mothers of Influence" and I love the belief that as mothers, we have great power to influence for good.

-When I drop the kids off/pick them up from Coop, there are several friends who are also dropping off/picking up their kids and we get to stop and visit for a few minutes. It's just been so great, especially lately. I've had some really good discussions with them, albeit brief. We've talked about helping our kids find uplifting literature, troubleshooting problem areas with each other, making plans to go to the temple, and just generally cheering each other on. It is a small, casual, thing. But I'm grateful for it. 

-There is an app I have on my phone called Marco Polo. It's a video messaging app, where you can send video messages back and forth. It is my #1 way to keep in touch with Jenna and I really love it so much. I also use it to talk to my friends Amy and Karli, along with others. But I'm grateful that I can send a message when I'm available and then watch their replies while I am doing laundry. 

I'm thankful for David's support in helping these moments be possible and grateful for the strong, smart, kind, women that I am surrounded by on this Journey. 

MOI Retreat - Shantel Homeschool

Last year was a difficult year for finding/having a community in our homeschool. I realize how important it is to have other people gathered around you as you walk the homeschooling path and have been making significant efforts to gather others around me. Working with Ali to create a homeschool retreat last March was impactful and helped me through a rough "are we doing the right thing?" patch. There is a group of women who I have been wanting to gather with but have been staying on the edges of that community for a while. They meet on the same night that I have my presidency meeting and even though every month I hope to be able to go, my other responsibilities take precedence. They also just started meeting with the children for activities one Friday a month, which they only decided to do once I had successfully convinced the SPARK coop to move to Friday mornings. Even though I am on the edges of this community,  I have a deep desire to join with them and when they decided to hold a retreat before school started, I knew I really, really, wanted to attend. 

The group is called a Mothers of Influence group, or MOI. 

Mothers of Influence (MOI) are women who come together to “be centered in God and recognize that He’s the source of influence as we refine the art of mothering, the art of relationships, the art of “home”-making, the art of gentleness, the art of unity, the art of civility, the art of kindness, and the art of love. Each of these is a creative expression of heaven’s light flowing through us.” (Mothers of Influence Guidebook, p. 1)

This retreat was centered on creating a joy-filled home. It was just what I needed to feel rejuvenated and begin our upcoming school year. Gathering with these ladies helped to inspire and uplift me and I am so grateful I was able to attend and begin/continue the community building process with this incredible group of women. 

The day was structured with different topics that we discussed or learned about every half/hour or so. 

The Joy of connecting with God

The Joy of MOI

The Joy of Nourishment

Creating a joy-filled life

The Joy of creating

The Joy of giving and receiving

The Joy of reading

The Joy of socializing

The Joy of homeschool

The Joy of play

The Joy of favorite things

The Joy of relaxing

David was out of town, so Matthew was kind enough to babysit my kids for me. David was supposed to pick them up at 6, but he missed his flight back from Minneapolis and didn't end up getting there until about 9 (I finished at 10). Even with the additional worry about asking Matthew to watch my kids for so long, the day was worth it. It was a day filled with connections, inspiration, and personal revelation. I feel confident that as I start this homeschool year I will be better prepared to teach and love and guide my children in creating a well-rounded life - full of mind and heart learning. And that is what I want for my children. A life where their minds and hearts, their bodies and spirits, are fed and cared for and can work together to create a happy, capable life.