The Christmas Tree Story

I had an experience this week that I wanted to document. 

It starts with my crazy vision of creating a "Narnia" porch for my kids and their Halloween Costumes. Knowing that I was being a little much, I tracked down a beautiful wardrobe and several used Christmas trees on KSL to decorate our porch and take pictures with. It turned out exactly as I had hoped, and I told myself that it was okay to spend the extra money on the porch decorations because I was just going to sell them on KSL afterwards. Dutifully, I posted and sold the wardrobe and also posted this Chrismas tree that I had gotten just weeks earlier on KSL. 

I had a few people reach out about it, but hadn't had great success in selling it. I had messaged with someone who said they wanted to come look at it, but then hadn't responded in over 6 hours. Typically it's good manners to wait for 24 hours before moving to the next person in line but I was feeling particulaly antsy about selling it, and without thinking too much about it, I decided to reach out to the next person. When I opened my phone to find the next person in line, I felt like I should actually reach out to the person who was 3rd or 4th in line, and I just did it. (This is fairly out of character because I have feelings about the appropriate procedures for online buying/selling.) 

The lady said she could come that evening, but when she showed up and saw the size of box her face fell. I totally understood, because my face was the same when I bought it initially. The tree is a 6.5 foot tree, but the box is pretty small. It's clearly not a dense, fluffy tree, which is fine because it's a cheap tree on KSL and could be fine for lots of families/situations. I was prepared for her to tell me that she didn't want it, or ask me to lower the price, and she very delicately explained what she needed the tree for and asked for my opinion on whether this would be a good fit for her. 

She was in the middle of a nasty divorce and her ex-husband was fighting her over who got to keep the Christmas Tree. The tree was sentimental to her because her coworkers had purchased the tree for her family when their last child was born, but the husband wanted it, too. She had gotten him to agree that she could keep it if she provided him with a different tree. 

When she asked if this tree would meet his needs, I had to tell her honestly, "No." This tree would be good for someone, but not for this situation. I felt bad that I couldn't be of more help. She said, "I don't know why I'm telling you this, but I feel prompted to share with you. I'm a religious person, and I have been praying about this for days. I only have a very small budget ($35) and have been praying to find a tree that could help resolve this so that my kids can have a tree for Christmas. I felt so strongly that this was going to be the tree and that Heavenly Father was leading me to you. But it's clearly not the tree, so I will just keep looking,"

Her faithful attitude touched my heart and I wished so much that this tree could have been the one. Originially I had been hesitant because I thoguht she was going to ask for the tree for free, which would have been fine - but I really wanted to get the money for it to cover the extra spending I had done for Halloween. But at that point, after hearing her story, I even considered going down to our basement and giving her our Christmas tree! It would have been weird, and I'm not sure our tree even would have been the tree that she needed - It's about 10 years old, too. I told her how sorry I was that this wasn't the tree and I told her that I was also religious and that I would also pray for her to be able to find a good tree. 

She thanked me and as I shut the door I said a prayer in my heart on her behalf. Almost immediately I felt chastised by the Lord. The words weren't clear, but the feeling was very simple. Why should I pray that she would be able to find the help that she needed when I had the ability to help her? Then, forcefully, I heard the words enter my heart. "I sent her to YOU." 

The Lord knew that sweet woman needed a tree. She thought that tree was the one that I was selling, but in actuality, the Lord was sending her to ME and he wanted me to help her. I wandered to where David was in the house, briefly explained what happened, and then told him that I felt like we should buy her a tree. He agreed, saying that we could do that if I felt like we needed to. I did some quick online searching to see how much a nice tree would be, something that would meet her needs while still being affordable and then reached out to her. Thankfully I had her contact information and was able to text her telling her that I felt prompted to contribute to her "find a tree fund". Initially I was planning to send $100-150 thinking that would be enough for most of a tree, but I felt the spirit prompting me to stretch myself and give her a full $200. 

I learned a long time ago that the money we have isn't ours, its Heavenly Father's, and sometimes He wants us to spend it differently than we might otherwise have chosen. David and I try to be good stewards of our money, we save, prepare, give a full tithe and a generous fast. After taking the Personal Finance class put on by the church, we started a "CARE Fund" where we save a certain money every month, separate from our charity budgets, dedicated to donating or helping people. Sometimes we use this for simple things like flowers for a neighbor, or donating to a good cause. We hope that eventually we will have enough money in there to be able to help on a larger scale (pay for someones car repair). But the money in that account is literally dedicated to helping people the Lord needs us to help. When the Lord prompted that woman to come to our home, He knew that tree wouldn't be what she needed. But He also knew that He had prepared us to help her. I'm so grateful that we were able to do so. 

I asked for her Venmo and after a few texts assuring her that I really wanted to help and that I didn't need her to pay me back, she sent it to me. I sent her $200 along with a few links to trees that I thought might fit her needs. I told her that she could keep whatever extra she had if she found a cheaper tree and add the extra to her kids Christmas gifts. 

She was incredibly grateful, and this was clearly a huge miracle for her and her family, but I don't feel like I can take any of the credit. I think that the Lord puts us in the path of others and sometimes they help us and sometimes we help them and always both are blessed. I'm humbled and grateful that the Lord trusted us to act in a way that would bless this family. It seems like such a small thing, but it mattered to them. I know that the Lord cares about the things that matter to us and I hope that David and I can continue to be relied upon by the Lord to make a difference to those around us. 

The next morning I messaged the next person in line about my Christmas tree, and it had been picked up and paid for within an hour. It's just a really incredible example of how the Lord knows and loves us. 
 

Angels

This post is hard for me to write. Wednesday, Nov 13th could have been the single worst day of my entire life - but through the grace and goodness of God, it wasn't. It was just a day that passed and could be easily forgotten. But I won't forget. I will not explain away or claim coincidence. I will not quietly save this memory for fear of judgment of myself in sharing the whole experience. I had a miracle happen in my life and angels attended me and my children and I am so incredibly grateful to my Heavenly Father for watching over us and protecting my Lucy. 

We have been working hard in our basement to try to finish the first stage before our rough inspection this week. Our inspector came that morning and we had sheetrockers coming on Friday. We thought that we would pass the inspection with flying colors, but she said that we needed to create a fire-block in every single opening that we made in the framework because the framing wasn't pushed all the way back to the wall. (The builders put insulation up against the wall and then we built around that.) We were to go buy plywood to cut into small rectangles and nailgun to the tops of our framing. 

Because of our tight timeline, I volunteered to go and get the plywood. We've been using our van to transport all sorts of lumber and I wasn't even worried about fitting the plywood into the van. I was SO not worried that I also grabbed a whole bunch of insulation to stick into the walls after the inspector came. I had them cut the plywood into 16" strips so that when we got home we could just cut them into 4x16 pieces to fit into our openings. 

As I started stacking it into the van, I was sliding it in through the back between Lydia and Austin's carseat, over Lucy's carseat, and resting on the insulation in the middle of the car. It was just fine, but as I kept adding pieces it was getting heavier and heavier. At this point I should have stopped and figured something else out - but my biggest failing in life is thinking that "I can manage it". I thought that it might not be super safe if we were in a car accident, but honestly thought that it would be fine. I said a little prayer for safety and slid the last piece of wood in and hopped in the front seat. 

I will never forget the sound of the wood falling. I thought that it was braced solidly against the back seat and the front seat overtop of Lucy's carseat. But the weight of the wood fell on top of her infant carseat and snapped (unbuckled? A miracle.) the buckle strapping her in so that her careat tipped backward in it's spot. I thought that she was crushed under the massive weight of the wood that minutes earlier hadn't seemed like it was that big of a deal but suddenly was heavier than a giant stone block of granite. I cried out in terror and jumped out of my car. I couldn't get to her immediately because of the insulation in the front seat and I frantically pulled it out of the way as I jumped into the car trying to get to my baby. With all the strength I could muster I lifted the wood with my shoulder, unstrapped Lucy's straps and pulled her out through a tiny gap between the wood and the side of the carseat. 

Right here, in this moment. I can not describe the amazement and gratitude and joy that I felt. The wood hadn't even touched her. Because the seat flipped in just the right way, the carseat had created a safe little space for her. I can't understand how the weight didn't do more damage - other than the absolute certain knowledge that there were angels curled up around her in that space holding the wood just far enough above her to keep her safe from any harm. 

I .know. that there were angels in that seat with her protecting her. I could feel their presence. 

There is no other reason that she shouldn't have been absolutely crushed. I feel so much guilt and shame about putting Lucy in such an unsafe predicament. No matter the time crunch, the inconvenience of finding another solution. I should NEVER have risked her well being. I know that, and I vow to NEVER let my own agenda or timeframe or anything put my children at risk like that. 

But even though it was absolutely, 100% my fault, my Heavenly Father sent angels to protect Lucy. 

I had prayed that morning to feel, to know, if Heavenly Father really loves me. If he is really there and really cares about me. This was an extreme, unmistakable answer to a sincere prayer asked in my closet on my knees. I will never forget the goodness of my God. I would have done anything in that moment to save her and I will spend the rest of my life in gratitude for the miracle that saved her when there was nothing that my human body could actually do. 

I sat down in the parking lot, cradling my baby and cried a prayer of gratitude to God. Out loud. With no regard to where I was or who could see. I sobbed and sobbed. Just overcome with gratitude. I moved into the front seat of the van and sobbed some more. 

Finally, I regained control and got out of the van and moved to the back to talk to the kids who were understandably freaked out. I calmed them down and still kept checking Lucy over to see if we needed to go to the emergency room not believing that she hadn't been touched. Still having flashes of ambulances racing to meet us in the parking lot. 

The story could end there with endless gratitude for the angels watching over us. But it doesn't. 

Not long later, a man approached us and asked if we needed help. Me, being me, said something like "No, we're fine." He thankfully didn't take that answer and volunteered to move all of the lumber and insulation to the back of his truck and drive it home to my house. Another lady also approached and asked if I was okay, because from the outside it appeared that I was having a breakdown, but it was hard to express that my tears were complete tears of gratitude. I didn't actually need anything. I could have called David to come and we could have switched the carseats into his car so that we could fit the lumber into the van safely.  I was just so overcome with gratitude and relief that my emotions were raw and exposed. The lady left (but I was so grateful that she'd stopped) but the man, he unloaded all of the wood and insulation and put it into his truck, typed in our address and drove the load to our house. By the time I finished strapping kids in and driving home, he had already unloaded it all onto the grass. I'm not sure what he thought was wrong. He never asked, just lovingly mentioned something about his daughters being strong-willed and taking on huge projects, too. I could hardly speak to him, my words were just gone. I managed to thank him and ask if I could give him gas money (to which he heartily denied). I did ask his name, but I can't remember it now. 

I watched him drive away in a little red truck, knowing that once again an angel had been looking out for us - and this one shopped (maybe worked) at home depot. 

Our home-depot angel appeared at our door again about 15 minutes later. I had been sitting on the couch with my kids, still basically sobbing while we talked about miracles and blessings and angels and Lucy and the man who drove our stuff home. We heard a knock at the door. He was there with several Arby's bags and a couple of shakes. He said "I don't know what your kids like to eat, but I thought you could all use some lunch." I couldn't even speak. I just took the bags from him with tears in my eyes. Finally I squeezed out a Thank You, and then he was gone. I don't think I will ever be able to express to him how much his kind acts of service meant - but I hope that someday he will know. And I hope that because of his example my kids and I will be able to pass his kindness on to the people around us who are struggling and need an earthly angel to take the time to help. 

We sat on the floor and the kids ate while I cried some more. 

I am so grateful for the angels that Heavenly Father sent to my family this day. Especially for the angels that kept my Lucy safe. 

Lucy, you are tiny, but you've already experienced miracles in your life. I pray that you will see many more miracles and that you will always know that those miracles come from God. 

Lucy Holland 4-5 months

My Lucy. You have started smiling more often and have even started giggling and it's the happiest noise in the entire world. I can see the light of your personality starting to shine through tiny bit by tiny bit and it's so exciting. We've had a crazy, stressful, busy month - but you've been a champ through it all and sometimes when I get so overwhelmed I just feel like giving up I look into your eyes and I feel peace and calm enter into my heart. It doens't usually last for very long, but just those few moments of knowing that you are counting on me, that you love me, and that the things I do will impact your life help me to believe in myself and my ability as your mother.

Stats: 3-6 month clothes. Size 2 diapers. Hats for life! 

Sometimes it feels as if everything is different because of Lucy's Albinism and Nystagmus diagnosis, but most of the time it feels as if nothing is different at all. Sometimes I forget to even mention it to people who don't know about it because they aren't on social media, even though it's something that they would definitely want to know - not because I don't like talking about it but because the fear of the unknown has settled down and our normal life has resumed. At this point, there aren't many day-to-day accommodations that she needs. She's just a regular baby who needs to be held, fed, changed and loved. She's just our Lucy Holland and we love her. 

Some things I want to remember about this month: 

-We've been spending a lot of time with the Peaden Family. Going to West Jordan on Tuesdays while Cal is at the temple to be with Sue and also taking every ounce of help we can get from Bruce and Cal (and my dad, too!) to help with our basement. It's been busy, but it's really special for eveyone to be able to spend so much time with Lucy. (Usually with little babies we kind of hole up and don't see people as much). Bruce has been in New York for most of the other kids lives, and it's been SO fun to have him know Lucy so well. 

-She gave her first big belly laugh. Was it to me? NO. It was for Uncle Bruce. He would swing her back and forth and then she'd just giggle and giggle. Nothing better than a baby laugh. 

Her siblings love her. 

-She smiles huge smiles when David is around.

A bunch of firsts heading into this holiday season! Two of which were:

-First Gardner Village trip with Melissa and Zach. She fell asleep and was so snuggly and I loved it.

-Her first Halloween!

Something funny- Her hair is starting to look red sometimes, just strawberry blondish, but it's enough that people who don't know her have said things like "Oh, look at the little ginger!" It's hilarious to us, and I really hope that she ends up being a redhead. Think of how funny it would be to introduce our children like "These are our three super-blonde towheads, and this is our youngest redhead - she has albinism." It's just humorous to think that she has albinism and is a redhead. (Interestingly, there is actually a genetic connection between red hair and a lack of pigment in the skin - it's just a funny situation if you're looking for humor in the situation. You know?) 

-She is sleeping terribly. But that's okay. Because we love her and knowing she's my last baby has given me an extra measure of patience and also enjoyment of our nights together. 

-Did I mention that these kids love her? Left is Austin, who gets in her space and just loves to be with her. Right is Lydia and Caleb (in matching jammies) trying to keep her entertained on the floor.

-She's wearing hats every day now, per the pediatrician's recommendation. She will need to wear hats outside basically everyday of her little life and having her wear hats inside will help her get used to them so she won't pull them off when she gets older and really needs to keep them on. We found some soft little fabric hats that look darling on her but sometimes they slip down over her eyes, especially when she is sleeping. It doesn't seem to bother her, usually. But it's kind of cute. 

We also were told to expect delayed milestones. If she's not seeing well, it will be hard for her to feel safe/motivated enough to crawl, etc... She hasn't rolled over yet, BUT she passed a spoon from one hand to the other hand and I was just so excited and proud of her. 

I have written about this in a separate blog post, but we were at Home Depot getting wood for our basement. I was stacking it into our car when the load slipped and fell on her carseat. I was terrified - thinking that she was hurt, smashed under the weight of the wood, but the carseat had tipped in it's spot in the car creating a safe little space for her under the wood. I sobbed for hours - but this I know - there were angels watching out for this sweet girl. There was physically no way for her to not be hurt, but she was untouched. The feeling fades with time, even within a day or so, but in the moment - I knew that there were angels that had surrounded her and helped to lift the wood from her little body. I am so incredibly grateful for the goodness of God and for his Miracles in our life. In HER life. Lucy - you are so tiny, but you've already been surrounded by many miracles.

-We like snuggling our girl. 

The sitting pictures that I have posted are a little deceiving. She's not really sitting up yet, she's got just enough balance to stay when propped - mostly. I took these darling pictures of her but she kept tipping over in the process. She was happy the whole time, and I just laughed at her.  

Okay, I couldn't narrow these pictures down - so I just decided to add them ALL at the end of the post. Because.. It's my blog, I can do what I want to. Right? And these pictures of Lucy and her Daddy are just so heart-meltingly sweet. 

Oh Lucy-Lou, we love you!