On Tuesday, January 16th while David was at his office in Lehi and I was at home working through our homeschool day, we got a group text that also included Amy and Kevin from Wendy.
Wendy, 11:47 am: Dad just called me and said that mom is not really waking up this morning. Her oxygen is only in the 60s. If people want to go see her just in case she doesn't make it through the day, everyone is welcome.
(David Thoughts: It turns out her Oxygen had accidentally fallen out while she was resting and she did not know it and my Dad was gone, so it was not until he came in and saw it that he got her oxygen back and helped her.)
Immediately people started chiming in that they would get there as fast as they could.
Amy, 12:14 pm: I'm at the house. Her oxygen is back up a bit now and she was awake for a minute. At least enough to ask me what I'm doing here instead of working.
Wendy, 12:17 pm: That sounds like her. 😂
12:47 David Headed to parents.
David, Wendy, Amy, Kevin, and Jeff spent the afternoon at the house together. Sue's oxygen stabilized and she was alert enough to be aware and involved. David and I talked and we decided not to bring the kids, there were a lot of factors, but we felt good about the decision. Amy said she would stay for the evening and everyone else made plans to be extra present over the next couple of days. People would be there at the house on Wednesday and David and I said we would be there on Thursday (our regular day to visit her).
David Thoughts: When I got there you could tell that that my Mom was not really doing well. We all sat in my parents room most of the time and just chatted about lots of little things, but nothing in particular. As the afternoon progressed, it seemed like my Mom was feeling a little bit better and stronger. However, it was really hard for her to talk and so while she could nod if you asked her a question, she did not really say anything, but you could tell she was alert and aware. I think because of this, we did not really spend the afternoon reminiscing or talking about my Mom. I think we did all start to realize that she may only have a few weeks (or maybe days?) left. However, because her Oxygen had fallen off, I think I thought that she would recover through the day and night and while she might only have days or weeks, I never thought she would be gone in a few hours. Because of that, I think we were already thinking about how to make sure we could be over at the house as much as possible for the next few weeks. Just before I got ready to go home, I went in and asked my Mom if she wanted a shoulder massage. She nodded her head yes and sat up so I could reach her shoulders. I rubbed her shoulders for a while and just talked to her a bit. Then I told her that I would be back the very next day and see her then and that Shantel would be there on Thursday. I had no doubt that I would see her the next day and really believed she would still be there on Thursday when Shantel came. I told her that I loved her, gave her a hug and left. It was the last time I would see her alive.
5:01 David Headed home.
David came home for dinner. We told the kids that Grandma wasn't feeling well and had a special prayer for her. We got the kids in bed and sat down on the couch to work on our budget reconciliation. Our friends had invited us to the BYU basketball game, but we canceled earlier in the day because we weren't sure what the evening would be like. It was nice to sit down and work together after a long emotional day. The Renchers also had tickets to the BYU game and they decided to go after all. We were in a good groove when Amy called us around 8:00. There was a brief silence on the other end and Amy choked out "She's gone."
Amy and Cal had a good evening with Sue, talking to her and caring for her. There was a portion of time where Cal went back into her room and laid on the bed next to her and they talked for a long time. Sue got up and went to the bathroom then climbed back into bed. Cal came out to let her rest. Amy checked on her and also decided to let her rest in her bed for a while. When Amy went back to check on her, she was gone.
Amy called us, David called Kevin, and after a little while they decided to tell Wendy and Sam even though they were at the basketball game.
Wendy, 8:09 pm: How are things going tonight? Same?
Amy, 8:12 pm: No
Wendy, 8:13 pm: Is she better? Worse?
Amy, 8:26 pm: You should step out.
--
David, Kevin, and Jeff all came back to the house immediately. Wendy came as soon as she could. The siblings stayed and helped care for Cal and to be there with each other. David texted me to tell me he was on his way home at 12:35 am.
David Thoughts: When I got to the house I gave my Dad and Amy a hug. I typically don't really cry, but that evening and over the next few days, I cried a lot. Even though I knew my Mom did not have long, it was still a surprise that it was so quick. So soon. I had just been playing Canasta with her a few weeks before. We went back to the bedroom where she was laying and we all sat around and talked. From about 9 pm until after 11:30 when the Mortuary Home came to get her. I think those few hours were some of the most important in the grieving process for me and I so wish Shantel could have been there too. We talked about my Mom and her life and what made her so important to us. We cried and felt the pain that she was gone. I know that we have a Savior who died for us and that we will be resurrected and see her again. That knowledge does not however mean that you don't feel the grief when they are gone. That I won't think, hey, I have not talked to my Mom for a few weeks, I should give her a call. The other day Shantel and I were watching a romance movie on a new streaming service we are trying and it was really enjoyable and I thought, "if my Mom was still alive, I would tell her we need to have her try this." But I can't just call her or talk to her and won't be able to for a long time. It was so bonding to be there with Wendy and Amy and Kevin (and Jeff was there too) and laugh and cry and remember her. Before the mortuary came, I said goodbye to her. The mortuary came and carefully took her to the van outside, and she was gone.
The next few days/weeks were a flurry of emotion, preparation, reminiscing, love and support. It is heartrending to lose someone that means so much to you, and each one of us have been working through that in our own ways. I've been so grateful to see this family pull together to support each other through it.
The thing is, although Sue had been ill for a long time and her passing wasn't totally unexpected, it just seems like it happened so FAST. We were just there the Thursday before watching Sleeping Beauty in her bedroom with her. We had plans to watch Snow White the next time we came.
Last fall, maybe September-time, I remember telling David that Sue was the healthiest that I'd seen her in a long time! She was doing so well and I was so happy. But over the fall she got sick and had a hard time recovering. At Christmastime, it was obvious that she wasn't feeling well, and it was the first time in a long time that I felt like she was ill enough to really be concerned about her. I really thought that she would bounce back so I wasn't overly concerned, but during our Thursday visits in January I made the comment to David that at this point I didn't care if we were sick or not, we were going to come every Thursday afternoon because I didn't want to miss a day. Looking back, there were signs that it was coming, but even so - the loss has hit us hard. It's like my brain can't even comprehend a world without Sue in it.
I've been on a rapid-repeat-loop through the stages of grief. Denial, the feeling that it's not even possible for her to be gone. Anger, manifesting in defensiveness against those I felt did not treat her well in the past several years and also anger that so many people have a mother-in-law that they don't like, why would my best-friend of a mother-in-love be the one to lose? (not anger at God, just at the injustice of others complaining about their mother-in-law). Bargaining, praying for forgiveness and understanding for not doing more/doing better. Depression, a heavy sense of fatigue and inability to focus on other things. And acceptance, faith in the Plan of Salvation.
But more than anything we've felt peace. We were loved wholly and completely by this angel mother. What a blessing it was to have known her and had her in our lives. The impact she has had on us can be thought about with nothing but gratitude. Our faith in the plan of salvation fills us with the knowledge that she is continuing with her journey and that we will be with her again as we continue our journey.
It's hard and it will continue to be hard, because we love and miss her so much. But we are so grateful for her.
David's Thoughts: I spent a lot of time over at my parents house over the next few weeks, but especially in those first days that followed. I talked and grieved so much with my siblings and that helped me process things - but I did not get to spend as much time with Shantel and I was she could have been there at the house to talk with us. I'm grateful she was at home with our kids so I could be there. We shared stories and laughed and cried. On Wednesday, Amy and Wendy and Sam and my Dad went to pick out a plot at the cemetery and I met them there. Then after heading back to the house for a bit, we went to the Mortuary to pick things out and plan for the funeral (Kevin and Jeff joined us there). We had talked in the days prior and then spent Friday and Saturday talking before finalizing the plan for the funeral and sending them the program. I got to spend a lot of time talking to my Dad and being a support for him. I'm grateful for that and feel like it was a good chance to bond with him. I can see how much he is grieving and misses my Mom. He talks about being so lost and not knowing what to do now, but also about how much he loves her.
All of us kids spent the first week or so and made sure there was always someone over at the house and even had someone sleep over at the house every night to make sure my Dad had someone there. I think it was really important because he needed someone to talk to, especially late at night. When I stayed over on Thursday night my Dad asked to run to the store to grab a few things around 9:30 pm and we went to Macey's. Then back at the house my Dad talked to me for house and hours. It was not until around 2 am that we went to bed. My Dad needed someone to be there to listen and I was grateful to be there. We talked a lot about Mom and about life. Wendy, Amy, Kevin and I all took turns over the next week to really make sure we were there for him (and through the funeral and the weeks after). I'm grateful for my Mom and I will miss her. She was kind and patient and taught me so much. I'm planning to share another post with some other thoughts/memories.
As I've been preparing myself to write this entry, I've been thinking about all the things that I want documented about Sue. I want to remember every conversation, every gift, every hug - and I know that's just not feasible. But here are some things that have come to my mind:
-When David and I were dating, she was so kind and welcoming to me. I knew she was hurt and upset on his behalf when I wanted to stop dating. When we decided to start dating again, I was worried that she would be residually upset and hold it against me. But she didn't, for a single second. She pulled me in as if I had always belonged to their family, and it was such a gift to me.
-She probably told me 100 times over the 15 years that we've been married together about how special David was and how she always knew he would find someone special (meaning me.) She would tell me about how when David was on his mission she and Amy would always talk about how much they loved David and how special he was. "We just knew that he was going to come home and find someone as special as he was." It was such a complement, and I was always so grateful that the felt that I was special enough to be the one to be with David. (Don't tell anyone, but I'm confident that David was her favorite. Although - she may just have loved her children so much that they each felt that way.)
-Once when I was at her house I mentioned how much I liked the lotion in her kitchen. The next time we came to visit, she had a bottle of that lotion ready to give me.
-I've been cutting Sue's hair for the last couple of years, it hasn't been super frequent but every once in a while she'd ask me to bring my haircutting things and I'd trim her hair in the kitchen. She didn't feel up to going out, and I was grateful that I was able to help her.
-One conversatioin "I think that sometimes you worry that you're not a good mom. But you're such a wonderful mother."
-I had been wanting to create a video for Cal and Sue's 50th wedding anniversary for several months. The timing never worked out perfectly when I was there on Thursday's, and I kept pushing it back. Finally, when we were there for Christmas I asked if we could do it, even though it wouldn't be perfect. It was such a tender experience to ask the two of them questions about their life and to catch on video the things that were most important for them to share with their family. Sue talked of always wanting to be a mom and how fulfilling that role was to her. She talked of how much she enjoyed being with her family and how dearly she loved each member of her family. After I finished recording, I sat on her bed had such a special conversation with both Cal and Sue. They expressed how much they loved me and how glad they were to have me in their family. They shared their gratitude that I was doing such a good job supporting David (and how special he is) and at raising my children. We visited for many 10-15 minutes, which is not uncommon for us. Maybe the fact that the three of us were alone in their bedroom (not to be disturbed because of the video) and the rest of the house was bubbling with people, or maybe because the feeling in the room was extra tender because of the memories and experiences they'd already shared, but it was a particularly meaningful conversation and I left feeling engulfed in their love, appreciation, and support.
-I didn't go to the Peaden home the day that Sue passed away and I didn't bring my children. David and I had discussed that day, but decided against it. There were a lot of factors and I felt good about it. I am so grateful for the hours and hours and hours we spent at their house each Thursday afternoon for the past 5 years or so. My kids knew her and loved her. Our memories of her are filled with hugs and fruit snacks and watching TV with her in her bedroom. They are of playing games with her and of getting presents wrapped with lots of ribbon. They are of telling her about their weeks and of what they were excited about. We didn't get to say goodbye, but we showed her and told her how much we loved her every moment we got - and I know she knew that. Cal pulled me aside the first time that we came to the house after she passed away (that Thursday) and expressed to me how dearly Sue had loved me and how much she had treasured the visits each week. It was so tender to hear it from him and I was so grateful for him taking the time to express that to me. But I already knew. I knew she loved me and that she adored my children. She was the most wonderful mother, mother in law, and grandmother to our family.
