**Note: This post is extremely sensitive and personal. It was hard to adequately explain all our emotions in the way that they deserve, and hard to balance my desire to record our life experiences in our family journal with the knowledge that by posting it on the internet others will read this post. If you decide to read on, please do so with no judgement and lots of understanding in your heart.**
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That's right my friends, Baby #2 is a BOY!
We are so excited for this little man to come and join us. We know that he is meant for us and that he is going to be the perfect addition to balance out our family. I can't wait to dress he and Lydia up in matching dress/bow tie sets, watch her love on him, and snuggle him all the time.
In the weeks leading up to our 20 week appointment I started feeling more and more strongly that the little baby growing inside of me was a boy - not a girl. At first I tried to talk myself out of it because of how much we wanted a little sister close to Lydia, but I quickly started getting excited about the prospect of having a little boy and was afraid that I would be so sad if I was wrong! (I had totally convinced myself that Lydia was a boy and was shocked when they said girl.) Going into the appointment I had no idea what to expect gender-wise, but we were excited to be able to see out little baby on the monitor and see his beating heart and all the parts of his little body.
For some reason I was feeling very anxious about the appointment. In fact, the night before I was so nervous that when Ashley chatted with me and asked if I was excited I told her that I was terrified. We laughed it off as "afraid-of-the-unknown" jitters. The next day (the day of the appointment) I was so nervous I was making myself sick just thinking about it and seriously considered calling and rescheduling the appointment - which was completely absurd and irrational! I had no idea why I was feeling so nervous, but when David got home from work we said a prayer and headed to our appointment. (We are so lucky that David can come to so many appointments - we love his job!)
We headed straight to the Ultrasound area and were called back pretty quickly. They started the ultrasound and within just a few minutes they told us that he was a little boy! We were so happy and a little shocked... It's crazy how just one little word can mean such a big difference to the future. The technician kept going through the ultrasound, but was much less enthusiastic about what she was doing than I hoped she would be. Lydia's Ultrasound Tech was so happy and chatty - she told us everything she was looking at, exactly what it was supposed to look like, and ended every sentence with - "it looks just like it should". Baby Boy's tech was friendly, but stuck to the basics "This is the kidney.... *pause while looking from all different angles and taking several pictures.* And this is the stomach *another long pause*." I was still feeling very nervous and I was glad to have David so close by. He was holding Lydia and she was watching the monitor, but got a little bored after a while. David stood close to me and I held Lydia's hand/rubbed her back while we watched.
It's easy to say retrospectively, but I just knew something was wrong. It was hard for me to keep my tears in check and the I couldn't shake the feeling of dread in my stomach. The lack of conversation from our technician contributed to my unease but I kept praying that everything would be okay. The tech kept saying that the baby was at a difficult angle and she was having some trouble getting some pictures of the things that she wanted. (His head was down and to my left side with his bum up and to my right.) His body was throwing some weird ultrasound-shadows on itself. She never actually ended up getting a profile shot because she couldn't see his face very well. She finished up, printed out our pictures and sent us upstairs. I was still feeling a little unsettled, and hadn't actually processed that we were having a boy quite yet! (I knew it, but hadn't really had time to think about it - I was still feeling so worried.)
We headed up to Dr. Clowards office (whom I love), went to the bathroom (it's seriously a joke that they have to do the ultrasound on a full bladder!) and waited for the nurse to come in. She came and did all of the preliminary testing (blood pressure, etc..) and as she was leaving she mentioned that the Ultrasound Tech had seen something that she was concerned about, but that Dr. Cloward would address it with us when she came in.
My mind immediately went a million directions at once. When Dr. Cloward came in, she said that the ultrasound tech had noticed an Echogenic Heart Focus in one of the chambers of baby boys heart, and that it is a soft marker that can mean a higher probability of Down Syndrome. We listened as she explained what that meant. She followed up by saying that she wasn't sure it was a true Echogenic Focus in the heart (*insert deep breath - thinking that she would say she wasn't worried*), but that she was more concerned with what the ultrasound was showing in the stomach/bowel. She gave us a quick run through of what an ultrasound should look like (white = bone, black = water, grey = tissue) and explained that she was seeing much more white tissue than grey tissue in the bowel area. This is called Echogenic Bowl Syndrome. It can be caused by the baby swallowing blood and can also be another soft marker for Down Syndrome. She told us that the ultrasound wasn't very clear and that we could either come in again in two weeks for another ultrasound, or she could refer us to a specialist and go there in two weeks for a follow up appointment. If we came back to our office in two weeks, and they still say the irregularities then we would wait two more weeks to go to the specialist.
We got our appointment with the Maternal Fetal Medicine section of the Utah Valley Regional Medical Center set up, because we figured it would be better to just go straight there and we headed home.
It's hard to blog and adequately capture all of the feelings that we felt that day and through the next couple of weeks. Worry, concern, and fear of the unknown - but also love, support, and faith. David, my ever calming presence, continually reminded me to take the diagnosis for what it was and not be more worried than what the situation called for. He gave me the most beautiful blessing and blessed me with courage, faith, and patience.
Honestly, it's hard to have the doctors give you such bombshell information and then ten minutes later you walk out the door with the instructions to just wait for two weeks. It's hard not to be scared for what the future holds for this tiny baby that you love so much. But, it's also amazing to watch the love and support come out of the woodwork. We didn't tell very many people, but those people that we shared our situation with were wonderful. They were kind, loving, and supportive. Many, many prayers were offered on our behalf - and on behalf of our little boy. It was apparent that, no matter the outcome, our son would be loved and accepted into our family and community. It's brought be great comfort to think about my baby and realize that if he was to be born with down syndrome - what better family for him to be born into than ours, who will love him and have the support system in place to get him all the things that he needs. This was such a blessing, because although I had several of my very closest family members say that they felt that everything was going to end up being fine at the followup ultrasound - I didn't ever feel that confirmation during my days and nights that were filled with prayers. I did feel that everything would be okay in the end, no matter what happened - but my prayers always turned to asking the Lord to help me be the Mother than this precious little boy deserved and to praying for him that he would be able to develop a testimony of the gospel and have the desire to be a true disciple of Jesus Christ.
I've committed to never again saying "We don't care if it's a boy or girl, as long as it's healthy." Because, the thing is - what if it's not? What if this baby is born with Down Syndrome, or Cystic Fibrosis, or a heart defect, or Autism, or even just a really weak immune system? Then what? Will he be any less loved? Will he be any less valuable? No. Not to me. (These articles go more in depth on my feelings on this subject,
HERE and
HERE.) All babies are blessings.
I want the best for my children, and I want this sweet baby boy to have as many opportunities for happiness and a strong, healthy, life as possible. It's hard to balance that desire with the defensiveness I feel for him, that he should be loved no matter what. We have prayed every day that he will be healthy, but also that he will know he is loved.
A few days after we had our 20 week appointment I woke up and was able to see through my fear and I was able to let my faith take hold. I cleaned my bathroom, found some dry-erase markers and wrote:
FAITH. COURAGE. PATIENCE.
HAPPINESS. GRATITUDE.
And, underneath I started a list of baby boy names. Logan, Conner, Oliver, Cooper, James. It was time to start moving forward with faith.
Tuesday, May 27th - we had our appointment with our specialist at Maternal Fetal Medicine. My mom came down to watch Lydia and David took the day off work. (Actually he worked from home in the morning and then took the afternoon off.) We were both pretty apprehensive but fairly calm, and grateful for all our family and friends who were sending their love and prayers our way. I was less upset before this appointment than I was at the one two weeks before, although the idea that the results from todays ultrasound would make a huge difference in our lives was pretty daunting. We knew going into it that many things could happen: they could find the same soft markers for Down Syndrome and 18 weeks later baby boy could be born
with Down Syndrome; they could find the same soft markers and 18 weeks later baby boy could be born
without Down Syndrome (a soft marker is just an indicator, it just means it's a higher possibility, not a surety); they could find different problems with their in depth ultrasound; they could find that the abnormalities had disappeared/weren't there in the first place and then 18 weeks later our baby boy would be born without any issues; or they could find that the abnormalities had disappeared/weren't there and 18 weeks later baby boy could be born with any number of complications (including down syndrome). Basically, an ultrasound isn't a guarantee of anything - but it can go a long way to giving us an idea of what to prepare for.
The Ultrasound Tech came in and told us very clearly that she would tell us what she was looking at on the ultrasound, but that she would not be able to tell us her interpretation of the ultrasound or whether things looked normal or not. We tried to focus on the joy of seeing our baby boy again (she confirmed that it was a boy!), but it was difficult not to try to interpret the ultrasound ourselves or try to interpret her tone of voice/body language. We did get to see a really good profile shot of his handsome little face, but even that was overshadowed by the tone of the appointment. Towards the end I thought to myself that "He does have Down Syndrome" and was immediately filled with peace that it would be okay and that we would find a way, together, to make it through.
So when the Ultrasound Tech left and the doctor came in, I thought I had completely prepared myself for her words. She did a lot of explaining about things, most of it a blur, but then said that she didn't see either of the soft markers that showed up on our first ultrasound - and if we hadn't been sent to her, she never would have had any cause for concern in the first place. She went on to explain that the odds of a problem happening were much lower, but obviously weren't gone. My mind was so overwhelmed that sometimes I had a hard time following her,
"Wait, did she just say that he was okay? Why is she telling us that now we have a 1 in 1,000 chance of Down Syndrome - isn't that really high? And why is she recommending we have followup tests done?". At the end, I had to clarify with her that she didn't see any markers for Echogenic Heart or Echogenic Bowel Syndrome - and that everything else on the ultrasound looked normal; it had honestly been that hard for me to absorb what she was saying. But she assured me that both she and the ultrasound tech had carefully looked over their very in depth ultrasound and only say a healthy baby boy who was growing exactly on track. (He measured 22 weeks and 2 days and we were at 22 weeks and 3 days.)
The doctor left and I started crying in the room, pulled myself together, then started crying again in the car. I didn't text my mom, because I was just trying to absorb everything. I know that this sounds crazy, but it was just as difficult for me to absorb that everything was normal as it was to absorb that there might be something wrong. Part of it was that I was afraid if I started telling people that it was okay, I'd wake up and we wouldn't have gone to our appointment yet. Part of it was that I'd been worrying and thinking and preparing for the other outcome and I wasn't sure what to do with all of that emotion- I didn't feel like I could just drop it all and pretend like nothing had happened. And part of is was/is that there isn't any guarantee that something won't go wrong, and I don't want to jinx anything. We told me mom when we got home, but didn't call anyone else until people started texting/calling us. It took me several days to start texting our friends to let them know the results. It's been three weeks since that appointment and I'm finally feeling settled enough to blog about it.
One thing I do know is that the blessing of a healthy ultrasound is 100% from the Lord. It would be easy to say "Well, it was a poorly done first ultrasound - there was never anything wrong in the first place." But that completely discounts all the prayers that were offered, the fasting that took place, and the faith that was placed in the Lord. I think that the Lord knows what prayers will be offered and that he works miracles in the lives of his children - sometimes before they even are asking for them. I know that He has a plan for each one of his children. He has a plan for our little family, and He has a plan for our sweet baby boy. Each prayer, each day spend placing our faith in him, each testimony building experience is a part of that plan - and we are remiss if we fail to recognize his hand in the miracles of our lives.
We are so excited for this sweet baby boy to come into our lives. 15 more weeks now and we will be holding him in our arms. We already love him so much and know that he is meant to be in our family. We are grateful for the love and support that this sweet baby boy has surrounding him, and we can already feel that he has an important mission on this earth. He is very special and will grow into a man who lives and loves the Gospel and his Savior Jesus Christ. I can feel his potential surrounding him, like a great big halo of strength. I'm already grateful to be his mother, and pray that I can teach him and be the mother that this incredible spirit deserves.
