Journaling

We talk all the time about how much we love our blog and printing out our years into actual books that we can hold and touch. We love being able to stay close to family and friends through the things that we write and we love being able to look back at our adventures and remember our journey through life together. We also love that these blog posts will become a record of our life, a legacy that we can leave to our children, and that hopefully they will be able to look at our lives and see that we were two imperfect people who tried to do good all around them and who loved their life together.

However, sometimes I look  back at our books and realize that there are portions of our lives that are not being captured because of the personal nature of the topics. Because  we've chosen to document our lives in a very public way, it makes it more difficult to talk about some of the more personal things going on. This post is mostly for David and I. For our journal - for us to be able to record our lives. For me to be able to get out on paper the feelings and words of my heart. If you don't want to read about something extremely personal - I won't feel bad if you stop reading now.

We haven't really made it any secret that we've been hoping for another little baby to join our family for quite some time. We love Lydia and the joy that she brings to our lives, and we want more little children to fill our hearts and home with. We want sisters and brothers for Lydia and we want them to be close in age. We want them to grow up together and forge friendships and bonds that will last long after they move out of our house. We both have good relationships with our siblings and we want our children to experience that same joy that comes from close companionships with brothers and sisters.

In all honesty, I'm surprised that we don't already have a baby. In our life plan, we identified the window where we wanted Baby #2 to be born so that there would be one grade between Baby #2 and Lydia, while still being born earlier in the year (trying to push towards fall babies instead of summer babies). We are now solidly in that window where we were hoping for that baby to be born. (Hoping for a January - March baby. Although the actual window we planned out on our paper was actually November -April.) Obviously, our first two babies will not be as close as we had hoped. It's strange though, strange to be seeing all of these other babies born - when we had hoped to be counted with that number. I remember my neighbor telling me that they were going to have a baby in October. I was so excited for her, and remember thinking that it would be so much fun because we would be having a baby just a few months later. I had a very similar conversation with my sister-in-law, Julie, when she called to tell us they were expecting a baby in the fall. I expressed that it would be so neat, because hopefully those two little cousins would be friends because they would be so close in age. I was optimistic without reservation. We had prayed, visited the temple, and discussed having another baby in depth - it felt right and I was excited for our sweet little family to keep growing.

At the time I was a visiting teacher to a darling girl and friend who was undergoing fertility treatments and was struggling to get pregnant. I worried that it would be hard on her when we I got pregnant, and resolved to be very supportive of her and mindful of her feelings. She got pregnant not too long after that conversation and soon after, my little sister announced that she was pregnant with her first. I worried that getting pregnant at the same time would take away from her pregnancy and resolved to make sure that she felt special and supported through her pregnancy. I was thrilled at the prospect of having these two cousins so close together. Both my little sister Jenna, and my friend and visiting teachee, just gave birth to beautiful baby girls within days of each other.  I'm thrilled for both of them. Really and truly thrilled. However, it's strange to think that I thought that I would be having a baby so close to them and I don't appear to be any closer to that happening than I was 10 months ago. The idea that it's been long enough for an entire pregnancy surprises me.

Most people know that we had a bit of a difficult time getting pregnant with Lydia. (At least at the time we thought that it was taking a long time.) I was just coming off birth control and had heard that sometimes it takes a while.  My heart ached for a baby and each time a friend announced their pregnancy, I wondered why it couldn't be me. Several months into the process, we found out that we were pregnant and we were thrilled. I was very, very sick, but each time that I sat on the floor in the bathroom - I was excited at the thought that I was there because I was growing a perfect little baby and that soon I would hold him in my arms (I was convinced pretty early on that it was a boy). I had gone through some preliminary info gathering with my OB office when I first got in touch with them, however when we found out that we would get to listen to the heartbeat at the first real appointment - David took off work to come with me. I will always be grateful that he did that, because as we were in the checkup room waiting anxiously to hear the heartbeat of our perfect little child - my laying on the table and David sitting next to me in the chair - the tech couldn't find a heartbeat. I was scared and worried, and I remember how tightly David held my hand. They said that we shouldn't worry too much yet, because it was still a little early - but they were going to have us go down and get an ultrasound just to make sure everything was developing normally. Hearts in our throats and rocks in our stomachs we waited as the ultrasound technician told us the words that we did not want to hear, our baby had stopped developing at seven weeks and did not have a heartbeat. It would never grow into a baby at all, and my body would probably miscarry it on it's own within a week or two. I remember listening through tears as they told us our options: 1-Wait it out and let my body miscarry on it's own, 2- Take a medication that would induce miscarriage, 3- Have the baby and tissues removed through surgery. We are fairly hands off people as far as medicine is concerned and easily elected to let my body try to abort the pregnancy on it's own. We finally told our families at this point - it was such a hard conversation to have "We want to tell you something. We were pregnant, but we found out that the baby hasn't developed properly and we are going to miscarry." Both of our families were incredibly supportive and loving, and I'm glad that they were there for us because, unfortunately, my body couldn't figure itself out.  I endured four more weeks of intense morning sickness (and by morning sickness I mean all day sickness), and this time it was without the reassurance of being able to hold a baby in my arms. Each time I sat in the bathroom, I grieved again for my lost opportunity, my lost child. Each friend who announced their pregnancy was like a knife wound in my heart. It was taking a significant toll on my physical and emotional well being. Eventually David and I decided that my body needed help and we took the medication to help reset my body. I actually had the medicine for several days - but couldn't bring myself to take it. What if? What if somehow my baby was actually okay. The doctors were wrong? What if I was hurting my baby? But after much prayer, I took the medicine and experienced the worst pain of my life. I miscarried my sweet baby and my heart breaks each time I think about it. I had to go in for a blood test afterwards and my levels wouldn't normalize. This started a month and a half of weekly blood tests hoping that my pregnancy levels would drop and level out. During this time we took a vacation to St. George hoping to get away for a while. It was a wonderful break from real life and we both felt better after returning home. I started my first post-miscarriage period on the day that I went in for a final check-up by my OB, who gave us the go ahead to start trying for another baby whenever we felt like we were ready. During the pregnancy, before we knew that it would end in miscarriage, I had remarked that if for some reason the pregnancy didn't make it - or if I miscarried- I thought that we would have to wait several months to try again because the pregnancy was surprisingly taxing on my body and I didn't think that I could take it. However, as soon as we had the go-ahead from our doctor, we didn't even consider waiting. We knew that we wanted a baby; we desperately wanted a baby. Waiting any longer was not an option. Miraculously, we got pregnant that very month -just a few months short of a year after we first started trying- and Lydia was born 9 months later, after an extremely healthy happy pregnancy. (I was still very morning sick through the first trimester - but it wasn't nearly as bad as the first time around.) The joy that I have in my heart when I think of Lydia overshadows any of the sadness of the previous circumstances. That girl is such a blessing to me, and she was worth every ounce of sadness or sickness I experienced. I often thought, as I was rocking her in the middle of the night, that I appreciate her more because of that effort it took to get her here. That I love her more deeply, and take her for granted less. We also remarked that after the forced-reset my body must have figured everything out, because we were able to get pregnant so quickly and because the pregnancy was so healthy.

I write down this story now, so that you can understand the background of where we are at right now. I honestly thought that now that my body had figured the pregnancy thing out - that it wouldn't have a problem doing it again. I'm truly surprised. I thought that the first time around we struggled because I was coming off of birth control pills (that we didn't start again after Lydia because we didn't want to deal with the same after-effect) . I thought that it was an random accident that my baby stopped developing at seven weeks and wouldn't develop anymore. I thought that after the force-reset, my body had figured things out and would be fully functioning for any future pregnancies.

We've been trying for another baby for ten months or so now. It's been an interesting process, with it's ups and downs. At first we were full of optimism and excitement. Then cautiously patient (few couples get pregnant right away - it usually takes a little while). Then frustrated and upset. Finally I realized that I have everything I need right now. I have a wonderful husband and a beautiful baby girl. I don't want to miss a minute of Lydia's life because I'm so upset about not having the future that I want. Honestly, we are really happy with where we are. I don't feel the aching pain for another baby as deeply as I did for Lydia, although there are times when I want another baby so badly that it hurts. I'm able to be truly happy for my friends and family who announce that they are expecting. I believe that this is a tender mercy from Heavenly Father - to be able to be happy for others even though I want what they have so badly. I'm grateful for that, and grateful for the peace that the spirit brings to allow me to feel joy in our circumstances right now. To be able to truly love life the way it is now. 

As I look back over the last year I can see many instances that not being pregnant was actually a positive thing. We've had the opportunity to serve our friends and family in several capacities, some being very energy/time consuming and very important to those people. We've been able to act as the Lords hands and make a difference in their lives. Obviously, if I could choose - I'd rather have a baby. But I wonder if the Lord knew that we needed to be in those places at those times, and that we wouldn't have been able to do the things we needed to if we had been pregnant. I'm grateful for that little glimpse of the Lords timing, and that maybe - just maybe-  we were needed in other places in order to further his work and that is the reason. I'm glad that we were able to serve in the ways that we did. But now I'm hoping that the time and season is right for Baby #2 to come into our lives.

I bought a pregnancy test at the store last week. I know some people who take a million pregnancy tests a month, but the thought of taking a pregnancy test and having it be negative seems too much for me to bear. I've really only taken two pregnancy tests - and both were positive. (I only took them after I was pretty darn sure that I really was pregnant.) However, when I bought the test - my thinking was along these lines: "If I take a pregnancy test and it says negative - then at least I won't have to live in fear for the week surrounding my anticipated period. It'll either be negative and I will know that my period is coming - or it'll be positive and we will be able to celebrate!" It made so much sense, and would be so beneficial because honestly - the week leading up to my period is extremely stressful and makes me more emotional than I already am. But then when I got home I realized that pregnancy tests usually aren't effective until after you've missed your period (around 5 weeks or so). So that theory went out the window. I know that you can buy super-sensitive tests that tell you earlier, but they are fairly expensive - so unless I was sure I don't think I'd spend the money on them. At least not yet. But now I have a pregnancy test sitting in my cupboard in my bathroom, like a big elephant in the room. Surprisingly, it doesn't upset me - it gives me hope.

I am feeling optimistic right now. I can see a day soon in the future where I can take that pregnancy test and get a positive result. I don't know why it's taken so long - but I do know that the Lord is aware of the desire of our hearts and that someday soon we will hold another sweet baby in our arms as they join our little family. I have felt his peace wrapping around my heart. David and I have held each other as we've mourned the lost opportunity month after month, but we know that good things are in our future.

I guess I just want to include this part of our lives. We haven't said much about our struggle with pregnancy, but it's been a large part of our lives for the last 10 months. I hope that soon I'll be able to post an announcement that another little baby will be joining our family.

Until then, we will keep enjoying our life together, finding the good, and looking forward to the future.