Brain Dump

I just watched a video clip that showed up in my facebook news feed. It showed a herd of elephants standing in a small river. One of the baby elephants suddenly gets swept downstream and the mom charges down the river to save her baby. The next minute or so is spent watching the mom struggle to help her child to the bank of the river until one of the other elephants (the father?) comes over and together they are able to get the baby back up to the safety of the shore.

Insert many, many tears.

The fact that this video clip brought on so much emotional turmoil probably speaks to my mental state lately.

Life is so weird, looking back over the past couple of months I only remember the happiest times and feel like we are doing great! Then I start to remember about how many days we were only able to get the absolute minimum done: survive. The days that the dishes were stacked up, the tv was left on, and the laundry left un-done. I guess we are doing a pretty good job of simultaneously having wonderful adventures and enjoying our life - and feeling like we are barely keeping our heads above water. Can those two things happen at the same time? I don't know.

David's been working a lot over the last couple of months. *sigh* Busy Season strikes again. He's been such a champ to make such an effort to see Lydia and Austin every day, even though he has to work so much. He either tries to go in late so he can see them in the morning, then works late that night - or he tries to go in super early so that he can get home before they go to bed. I know that his work is taking massive amounts of energy and I'm continually amazed at how much time and energy he devotes to making sure the kids and I are all taken care of and aren't feeling lonely or neglected. We are on the count-down to the end of busy season and we are looking forward to summer when things won't be as busy. (Two weekends left - hooray!)

I love blogging and feel sad that this poor little space has been so neglected lately. I enjoy blogging and appreciate having this space to verbalize my thoughts and feelings while at the same time being able to record our lives together. I've had a few RLD clients that I've been working with over the last several months and that, combined with the massive amount of Primary stuff that I do on the computer, has pretty much taken all of my computer time. I feel like I always have something that is "really important" that I need to be working on, and I promise myself that I will blog later that night even though I know that I won't because I know I will be too tired. Today, I'm putting off design work and finally sitting down to blog while Lydia and Austin are napping.

I can't stand the thought that Lydia might think that I like the computer more than her. Sometimes when I'm working on completing a task on the computer, I find that I've completely ignored her trying to tell me something even though I'm sitting right by her as she watches a "show". It breaks my heart and makes me want to put the computer away and never pull it out again. I love her so much. Sometimes I look at her and my heart just wells up with how much I love her, and it makes the times that I let her down that much harder to bear. Here's to learning from my mistakes and working even harder to be the mom that my littles ones deserve to have.

Last week one of my friends posted about a study that her favorite professor at BYU was doing about memory and the pregnant/postpartum brain. She was asking for people who would like to take part of the study. I can't tell you how much I love stuff like that. (Throw-back to when we used to do taste-test studies in the NFS building at USU to get free Aggie Ice Cream tokens!) I totally jumped on the bandwagon, barely making the cut with Austin's age, as they were only accepting up to 6 months postpartum. I did a survey online, then had to go to BYU for the second half of the study. We made a lovely day out of it and got to campus just in time to hear the bell tower chime 12 o'clock. We counted the dongs, and then enjoyed the music that came afterwards. Lydia was enchanted and loved the experience (she even counted the 12 gongs all by herself!) We walked across campus and enjoyed the sunlight and fresh air, and although it was quite obvious that I didn't really belong there anymore - I loved being back on a college campus. The study itself was interesting and fun - and Lydia and Austin were great for the college students who were there to watch them. I was a proud mama as they told me that my children were darling and had been perfect. (Ha!) To top it off, they gave me $40 for participating. Yay for more money to put towards our Thanksgiving Point Memberships. After the study we met up with David who was in Provo working on a client and went out to lunch at Chik-fil-A, which was delicious and such a fun treat.

This last weekend we made a trip up to Idaho Falls for my cousin's wedding. We went up Friday morning and spent the next couple of days enjoying the happiness of family. We stayed with Jenna and I loved spending the days with my sister and Lydia loved spending the days with her cousin Camille. My mom and dad and brother Matthew were all there as well and I just loved the whole thing. David couldn't come because he had to work - but I'm so glad that we made the trip. Austin didn't sleep great, but he did roll over for the first time so Idaho Falls can keep it's "magic" status. I don't know what it is, but Austin just loves his Aunt Jenna. He laughs and giggles (and apparently rolls over) more than almost any other time. I guess I can relate, Jenna can make me laugh more than almost anyone else as well. The lack of sleep made for some of my not-the-greatest parenting moments, and we were late to the temple for pictures, but overall I'd say the weekend was a smashing success.

My Grandma Walker hasn't been doing super well lately and is in a rehabilitation facility in Ogden for three weeks. She's been up and down for a while now, but a couple of weeks ago - she had gotten so bad that she couldn't even feed herself. But then, she snapped out of that low stage and the doctors are trying to help her get better. She hates it at the rehabilitation center. Hates it. She just wants to go home. But they are working wonders with her! They have her in physical therapy and she is using her fingers better than she has been able to in years. I don't exactly know how, but they've gotten her off of her oxygen tank which she's had for years and years. (David said that he doesn't remember ever seeing her without it, I can't even remember how long it's been.) They are helping her body be able to take care of itself again, which is amazing, but she's just so miserable. It's so hard to see her like that. We stopped to visit her on our way up to Idaho Falls and then again on our way home. Both times we left, she started crying about how much she just wanted to go home. (I think it was also very hard for her to miss Chris and Tara's wedding - I don't know that she's missed any of her Grandchildren's weddings before.) My sweet Grandma has done so much for me, I just keep wondering what I can do for her at this point in her life? I wish that we lived closer so that we could spend more time with her. I just hope that she knows how much she is loved.

I know that this post is pretty jumbled and rambling - but I feel so much better for having been able to sit down and write whatever came to my mind. I have a whole bunch of pictures that need posting, but that will have to wait for another blog post. Some of our friends have invited us to a Chocolate Chip Cookie tasting party, and it's about time to wake up my sweet sleeping children from their naps in order to get dinner eaten and get ready to head over. (More on the many, many, chocolate chip cookies we have/are about to consume later, I'm sure.)