Spencer Rae

This post is about something very sad and extremely heart rending. I started to add it in at the end of my Friday post, but I decided that I needed to do a separate post just for it. However, I'm still posting it today because I decided that I just want to talk about it right now instead of waiting until later. 

On Wednesday night, my dad called to tell me that my cousin, Spencer Rae, had been killed in a car accident.  My heart is all but breaking as I write this post. 

Spencer was my craziest cousin. He was gruff and he did whatever he wanted to do because he wanted to do it. But he was kind. So kind. So funny. 

He was 27, and was engaged to a darling girl named Sarah. 

When we were kids, the older set of grandkids (myself included, the cutoff was right after me) would always go and play out on my grandparents ranch. Spencer could always be counted on to do the craziest, most daring things. Spencer and Wayne were always off somewhere causing trouble, and more than likely teasing one of the girl cousins. His family lived in Bonney Lake near Seattle, WA but they almost always came down for an extended period of time in the summer. One day, I was working in the TSC computer lab when I noticed Spencer sitting at one of the computers. I was surprised to see him, and I marched right over and demanded to know what he was doing there! He loved stringing me along and making me press him for answers - but it finally came out that he was enrolling in classes at USU and was living in Logan. 

We didn't hang out all of the time, but we did get together several times. He did a favor for me (now I can't even remember what it was), so I told him that I would make him his favorite meal. I don't know if it really was his favorite, but he requested Pork Chops and Apples. I'd never made it before, but I found a recipe and did my best. He was extremely gracious about it and we enjoyed catching up. 

One of the times that we got together we decided to go and take a look at the Aggie Bull. In typical Spencer fashion, he climbed right up on top of it (It looks easier than it actually is!). At the time his toe was broken from an unsuccessful bowling attempt - and I was super worried about him! I thought that he was going to fall off and hurt himself. But no - he was on top of the world. Then, in another true to form move, he convinced me that I had to do it as well. 

I was afraid and I wasn't sure that I was going to make it - but with his help I made it to the top. My exact description of this photo on facebook: "I almost died getting to the top!"

Spencer was wild and crazy and fun and kind. He pushed me out of my comfort zone, and got me to do something that was fun and made for such a great memory. 

Spencer was such a tough guy. He could pretty much always be seen in his Levi's and cowboy hat. Even after his family had lived in Washington for years - he always said that he was from Lyman, Wyoming, where my grandparents have their Angus Cattle Ranch. He was really rough on the outside and enjoyed making people squirm. I remember once when he was bluntly stating that we don't speak English - we speak Native America. It was getting all sorts of people (my own mother included) riled up to the breaking point. But Spencer, calm as could be, kept right on pushing. He was often saying something to ruffle someones feathers, but would always do it with a smile. Like, he knew what he was doing - and he was just waiting for the reaction. 

I wish that I could remember the complete story behind this. But I have the pictures for proof, and so I'm going to add them to this post. Another time that we got together, Spencer lost a bet and had to let me paint his toenails. He was a rough and tumble cowboy through and through - but he was always up for a challenge and was such a good sport. 

He'd probably hunt me down if he knew I was writing this post about him right now. Ha.

I hate feeling the regret of wishing that I had done more with him while I had the chance. I wish that I had spent more time with him. I wish that I had made a bigger effort. I wish that I didn't have so many regrets in my heart.  

The first thing that I thought about when my dad told me what had happened was how grateful I was for the Plan of Salvation. But over the course of several days I couldn't stop thinking about the loss. I had to stop and ask myself "Do I really believe that Spencer will be with his family again? Is his Spirit really out there - moving on in his eternal journey?" It's so easy to say. It's so easy to try to minimize the pain with a simple statement of "Families are Forever." 

Hymns have been shared, gospel articles/quotes read, and many prayers offered. 

It wasn't until I read this post by Spencer's brother, Michael, (who is another gruff cowboy-type) that I really felt the spirit testify to me that the words of the Gospel are not just words. They are truth, the truest truth that there is... because our Savior Jesus Christ lived, atoned, and overcame death.  

"In the last 24 hours, I have truly learned what is meant by the Plan of Happiness. Although I feel that there is a huge hole in the "fabric" of my life right now, I feel happy (possibly happier than I have ever felt) and at peace. I know that my family will be together once again, that we all will be victorious over the grave, and that the "fabric" will be patched together again, more perfectly than we can imagine. 

I have the utmost gratitude to my Savior, Jesus Christ, and know that Spencer is happy. He would also mad as a hornet if we were not happy as well. He IS a great brother and a great friend. #rideoncowboy #familiescanbetogetherforever" 

What a blessing it has been to see the strength and testimony of so many family members shared during this heartbreaking time. What a blessing of peace and comfort that the spirit can bring. I'm so sad. So so so sad. My heart aches. But there is a new and extremely personal meaning to the words "O death, where is thy sting? O grave, where is thy victory?"

The hashtags at the end of Michael's post seem to be the perfect goodbye and the perfect ending to this post. Because Spencer was cowboy through and through. And because of the atonement of our Savior, the sting of death is swallowed up and will allow Spencer to reunite with his family again. 

#rideoncowboy

#familiescanbetogetherforever