My Grandma Walker

A while back, towards the end of August we got a phone call from my dad saying that my Grandma Walker had just gotten back from the hospital and that the doctors said that her body was all but shut down so that any family who would like to come and say goodbye should probably do so in the next couple of days. My Grandma's health hasn't been great for a long time, so it didn't come as a surprise- but it was very emotional. We cancelled our plans and immediately drove to Wyoming to visit with her and share with her how much we loved her. I was surprised to see how well she looked for someone whose body had stopped functioning. We visited with her and the other family members who had come to see her, but as it was approaching dinnertime she started worrying about what we were all going to eat. This wonderful woman has served her children and grandchildren and even on this day where we had all gathered to say goodbye she was worried about us and taking care of us. She asked my cousin to order pizza for everyone, and after we were all eating she even decided to have a slice herself.

When I hugged her goodbye I couldn't help but cry at the thought that I wouldn't be able to see her again in this life. She feebly hugged me back and whispered to me "I love you, dear. Everything is going to be all right." Those words touched my heart. I was finishing up preparing a talk about how daily Gospel living brings us closer to Jesus Christ, and it was clear to me that my Grandma is a woman who has lived her whole life with love in her heart for the Lord, who knows Him and His plan, and who was continuing to live a life of service to the very end.

It's a weird thing to say goodbye to someone you think is dying. So many unsaid words, thoughts, feelings. I think it was a little weird for her, too. When we got a very similar message about David's Grandma, Blanche McAllister, we went to visit and she slept through the whole visit. It was a markedly different visit with my Grandma Walker.

My Grandma is wonderfully stubborn and clearly doesn't care what the doctors say about her time left here on earth. I couldn't be more grateful. She is very sick and is in quite a bit of pain, which requires someone to be with her the the majority of the day. My Aunt and cousin have been picking up the majority of the work, which is an incredible service that I know is exhausting and emotionally draining. I wish that I lived closer and could do more, but I've been blessed to be able to spend several days with her, just visiting and helping to take care of her (and my grandpa's) needs. Plus it's given my Aunt and cousin a little break. (I'm not fooling myself, I know that the few days over the past month hasn't been much more than a drop in the bucket as far as giving them a break goes, but I am glad to be able to do something.)

I'm writing about this now because although my grandma is in pain, is frustrated at feeling like a burden and is ready to go, I have been incredibly blessed to be able to go to her home, to be with her, and to serve her. My heart wells up at the thought of the opportunity I've had over the past month to spend this sacred time in a place that I cherish. Here are some of my feelings:

-Some of my very favorite childhood memories take place up at my grandparent's ranch. Seeing Lydia love climbing in the big tree in the backyard, swinging on the tire swing, playing on the "tippy trailer", and riding tractors with my grandpa has brought me so much joy. She's experienced these things some when we've been up visiting for holidays, but it's a completely different thing to see her start to become more comfortable as she spends more and more time in these places that I love.  Lydia has now driven both a Razer and a tractor by herself, with the assistance of my uncle and grandpa, respectively. She's fed cats and gotten stuck in the big tree and driven through the open fields to see the cows. She's experiencing all of the things that make the ranch so special and I'm so glad for it.

-I hope that I can be as gracious and polite throughout my life as my Grandma has been and continues to be. She says please and thank you and excuse me even in situations that I think I would be hard pressed to respond so graciously.

-I love to see my grandma and grandpa. They are such special people to me in my life. However, I rarely have taken the time to go and visit them - just because. We try to make it up for holidays and branding (which is pretty much like a holiday) and other family events but there is only one other time that I can ever think of that we went up just to be there (and even then, I'm pretty sure my dad was there and asked us to come so he could take Lydia on a tractor and show her the cows). This has been a wonderful excuse for me to be able to come and spend the time there that I always wanted - but never made the time for. I had a card half written for my grandma that I hadn't finished or sent when we went to visit my grandma to say "goodbye". I absolutely know that it's selfish of me, but I'm just feeling so grateful that I am able to do the things that I would have felt guilty for not doing if she had passed away sooner. (I know that sounds a little awful. I'm not making these visits out of perceived past or future guilt. Rather, there is just something that feels good about doing exactly what you are supposed to be doing.)

-When I say Wyoming, some people think that I'm crazy. But my grandparents live in a little town just past Evanston which is just over the Utah border. It takes about 2 hours and 15 minutes to get there. To get there in time to help my grandparents get breakfast at 8:00 a.m. I get my kids in the car at 5:30 a.m. then drive the almost-2.5 hours to be there. I've thought about staying overnight, but it's not really feasible, at least not right now. Then later that afternoon/evening we make the same trek home. It's a long day, but I'm just so grateful that it's do-able and that even if I can't be there every day, I can at least try to be there every other week. (I really, really, really want to be able to do it every week, but at least for right now every other week is giving us a good balance.)

-As I was washing the dishes one day when I was visiting I noted how peaceful I felt. It's not very often in my life that I know without a doubt that I am in the exact right place doing the exact right thing. More often, I feel worried and tired - full of should be's and what comes next's. I worry about not doing enough and about doing too much. But when I am there, I feel completely peaceful and happy. What a blessing this has been to me in a rather turbulent time in my life. (It helps that my phone doesn't get service and so I am truly disconnected from the rest of the world

I know my Grandma doesn't feel well and I pray often for her comfort. I will selfishly take every day I get to spend with her as a blessing, and hope that we can help remind her of how much she is loved and appreciated.

(All the pictures shown here were taken that first visit, and don't adequately capture the peace and love that I've felt as I've repeated our visits. But I wanted them here for a record.)